Seriously Messed Up
by AtomicScribble
Summary: Four kids, one Phantom...this is seriously messed up. Authoress is not responsible for any brain damage. FIN!
1. New Arrival! New Arrival!

**Look! A new story! ...yay!**

**This one has self-insertion again (much like Writer's Block), but this time I am accompanied by 3 classmates, each of which represents something: Kristen, my best friend, Seth, some...guy...I decided...to pick out... because I needed a bigger cast, and Mike, my link to the rest of the world. And yes, I'll be called Amanda.**

**We are taken from our lil' school and put in the book. Good enough.**

**Disclaimer: For the story. I don't own POTO, Gaston Leroux does. His last name cracks me up.**

x0o0x

Amanda groaned and placed a hand on her head. It was throbbing painfully, and the fact that she was leaning against a stone wall really didn't help.

"Where the flip am I...?"

She opened her eyes and saw nothing but complete blackness in front of her. Gradually her eyes distinguished a stone wall in front of her, and a couple of slumped forms against it.

One of them stirred, and a male's voice pierced the air.

"Mike? Dan? Why am I calling for Dan...is anyone out there?"

The boy's head turned to her, and he reached out a hand.

"Um...hi..."

Amanda swallowed and waved a little, though she knew he could barely see. "Izzat you, Seth?"

He withdrew his hand quickly and turned. "Hi, Amanda."

She heard someone else move, and a hand was put on her shoulder. "Ohh..."

"Kristen?"

Kristen sat up straight and blinked. "Where are we?"

Across the hall, Amanda could hear Seth sigh with relief. "Oh good, Kristen's here."

The last form moved. "Woah...that was weird."

"Mike?" Everyone looked at him as he shifted.

"Okay...that's...Seth, that's...Amanda, and that's...Kristen."

Amanda sprung up, not being one to let a chance at being the leader pass by. "M-kay! Anyone know where we are?"

"The bathroom at school with the lights off?" Seth asked, gesturing to the slime covering the walls. Mike laughed.

"Nah, the bathroom's more of a health risk."

Kristen piped up, "Oh, I know! We're at Amanda's house!"

Seth gave Amanda a look of horror.

Amanda snorted. "Not MY room. The only place I know like this in my home is my brother's room."

She turned around and saw a hint of light ahead. "Follow meh."

The other teens scrambled up and followed Amanda, each in a slight daze. They peeped down other winding corridors suspiciously, Kristen squeaking at a few rats that lay here and there.

Finally they reached the end. Looking through what seemed to be a window, they saw a comfortably furnished room. Couches were here and there. A wardrobe of considerable size stood against one wall, and a dresser covered in hair thingies was in one corner. Rugs lined the floor, and the rooms were a light shade of pink, although the gas lamps cast shadows across the-

"GAS LAMPS!" Seth exclaimed, pointing to one that sat upon the dresser, which was the closest in his view.

Mike staggered back. "Weren't they used in, like, the 1800's or something?"

Kristen nodded frantically. "But what are we looking through?"

She stood there, looking ahead blankly, then cried out.

"Amanda...!"

Amanda's jaw was already to the floor, her eyes wide. "Kristen, fetch me a danish!"

"What?"

"We're in the book!" Amanda squealed and started clapping her hands, dancing from foot to foot and cackling maniacally. "The book!The book! LALALALALA! Sexy original Phantom! Blond Christine! Raoul with facial hair! Hee hee hee..."

By now everyone was weirded out, but Kristen was pretty used to it, so she just stared off into space, humming something.

Suddenly Amanda stopped and took a deep breath.

Kristen covered her ears. "Oh no..."

"YA DA DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DA DUN DUN..."

Seth started shouting, pissed-off-Malvolio style. "Shut up! Amanda, chill!"

Amanda stopped with a pout, whimpering at being told off.

"Kristen, everything will be alright. Wait, no, I didn't say that-"

Kristen stopped trembling and put on a creepy smile, paired up with a malevolent glare as she looked up at Seth.

"Seth...everything will be alright..."

"Um..."

Mike was cowering in a corner. "Too...much...noise!" He whipped out his Nano, stuck the earphones in his ears, and started singing out loud. "Boom boom boom boom, I want you in my room..." Mike was immediately off in his own perverted Mike-world, while Amanda was giving Seth deer-eyes and Kristen's face was stuck in her creepy expression.

Amanda's ears twitched.

Seth opened his mouth, but Amanda hushed him. She even got Mike to stop singing as well. "Listen!" she hissed.

Sure enough, a rustling sound was heard, not far off in the distance. In fact, it was coming closer.

"Hold your jaw!" she whispered to the group, who reluctantly obeyed. She held out a hand, turned, and headed off down the narrow corridors.

She winded down the halls, working off of what she vaguely knew from the book and a little off of the movie. There wasn't much light and she could barely see as it was. She followed the sound of the silk, but it seemed to get her nowhere but dead ends and other corridors. Amanda let out a sigh as she entered another hallway. She didn't even have any idea where she had started, where she was, or even what cellar she was in, for that matter. Again she heard the silk, but it was so dangerously close that she clutched her jaw and froze in place, expecting a noose around her neck or a pair of cold hands seizing her by the shoulders. The rustling stopped, and she looked around, trying to see in the almost non-existant light.

A slight rustle was heard around a corner far ahead of her, and faintly she could make out two yellow dots beaming down upon her.

"Vincent Malloy on a birthday cake," she mumbled, using her own made-up curse.

A smooth baritone cut through the air, but it wasn't coming from the direction of the dots. In fact, it sounded like it was right next to her ear.

"Who are you?"

Amanda let out a soft cry.

"Scratch that. Vincent Malloy doing YOGA."

The voice spoke again, but it sounded annoyed this time.

"I asked you a question: who are you?"

Amanda opened her mouth to say something witty, but what came out was her shy voice, small and slightly broken. "I'm Amanda. I'm...not really from around here...I'm with some of my friends-"

"What are their names?" The two dots approached as the rustling sound started up again, and Amanda felt a chill snake up and down her spine. She slowly released her jaw.

"Kristen, Seth, and Mike."

The dots flickered and stopped, halfway to her.. "Ah, so there are men with you?"

"More like boys, if you ask me...we're all twelve or thirteen."

"How old are you?"

"Twelve..."

The voice hesitated, but she saw the eyes look her up and down. It spoke again, but it sounded amused this time. "Men's clothing, hmm?"

She looked down at her jeans, and sweatshirt. "Like I said, I'm not really from around here."

"Exactly WHERE are you from?" The dots approached again. Amanda instinctively took a step back.

"Long story. Listen, we've got nowhere to go. We were just in our Green classes-"

Amanda stopped. Obviously he had no idea what she was talking about. He must think that she had lost her mind, standing here in what was considered innapropriate clothing for this era and rambling on about her friends and school.

"Erm..." She took a deep breath, gathering up all of her wittiness. _It's just Kristen being all scary-making._

"The question is, who are YOU?"

The dots moved quicker than Amanda could blink, and they were in front of her. An unfamiliar but unpleasant smell had appeared in the air in front of her, and she looked up, craning her neck to stare into the eyes.

"Take me to them."

-----------

What's he gonna do? ;o

You won't know 'till you review! (Woah, that rhymes.)


	2. CHILDREN!

**-yawn-**

**I slept until, like, ten. Therefore I am still in sleepy mode.**

x0o0x

Seth closed his eyes as he leaned against the mirror. "Is she back yet?"

Kristen looked up from Mike's Nano and shook her head.

"I think she ditched us," Mike said, his gaze on the tiny screen.

Seth groaned. "She was probably the only one who knew where we needed to go."

Suddenly they heard rapid footsteps approaching, with the rustling sound not far behind. After a second they heard Amanda's shrill voice.

"Hey, you guys! Look what I found!"

"A dog?" Kristen asked, perking up.

"Nope! More like D-A-W-G. Meaning a person..."

Amanda turned a corner and stopped as she saw them, her eyebrows scrunched together in thought. "...like creature...thing..."

The rustling sound stopped, and the group could make out a much taller person behind Amanda, his eyes glowing like two embers.

A beautiful voice broke the silence. "These are the children that you were talking about?"

"CHILDREN!" Amanda yelled suddenly, causing the kids to jump.

The man ignored her and strode forward, toward the trio. In the light from the dressing room, they could make out a black mask entirely covering his face and a suit hanging loosely over his body.

"You did not tell me that there was another woman in your group, madamoiselle."

"Yes I did." Amanda looked warily from Kristen to the man.

"Kristen is a..."

"Girl's name, you drink."

"Pardon me, then," the man said bitterly, his gaze now shifting to Mike and Seth. "Which one of you is Michael, and which is Seth?"

Mike's mouth twitched. "Call me Mike..."

"Sir." The man looked to Seth, and his eyes flickered dangerously as he noticed his height, how he towered above even Amanda. "You must be Seth, then."

Seth nodded, giving Amanda an uncomfortable look.

Said girl went up to the man and gave him a hard smack on the back. "This be Erik, right here."

"Who, Barbie doll mask?" Kristen asked.

"Shh! Nobody knows that yet!"

Erik's eyes took them all in. "I am not sure I can accompany all of these people, Amanda." The name felt strange in his mouth; he had never heard it before, but he knew that it was a Latin word.

Turning to Amanda, he said, "Pardon me, but do you know what your name means?"

"Oh yah. Amanda means 'lovable' or 'worthy of love'."

Seth snorted. "You're kidding." Although Amanda had been on the list of Latin names that girls could choose from in his class, he hardly believed that she was being serious. (Hey, I'm a Frenchie, so I don't know for sure what the Latin names are. Dun bother correcting me. e.e)

"Nonono, it's true."

Erik let out a long sigh. "Follow me, then. We'll have a conversation somewhere more comfortable."

----------------

"Ohhh crap."

They had reached the lake after a very long (and, in Erik's case, very annoying) trip. There was only one gondola for two and there was five of them.

"I can swim," Amanda mumbled, bending down to test the temperature of the water. It was ice cold and she immediately withdrew her hand, taking in a sharp intake of breath between her teeth.

"Isn't there a way around?" Kristen asked, straining her eyes to see in the dim blue light.

"Of course. I'll have you know that I-"

"-designed and built this Opera House yourself," Amanda finished, smiling and bouncing on the balls of her feet.

His eyes flickered dangerously for the second time that day. "May I ask how you know that?"

"If you get me a chocolate bar, a DVD, and my LSB blankie, I'll tell you."

"DVD? LSB blanket?"

"Just get us across the lake."

-----------------

A/N: LSB stands for Lock, Shock, and Barrel, which are the three kids from the Nightmare Before Christmas. I just got an uber soft blanket today with them on it. ;D

CHILDREN!


	3. Bullscat!

**I updated my drawing style today to look more human. I'm still having trouble with hands, eyes, feet, and mouths, but it's still good. -squee-**

**The songs, in order, are Move Along, Violet Beauregarde, Beep, and Dance, Dance. I don't own them.**

**The Retarded hand motions are hard to describe. Basically you take your arms and move them outward from your head in a rainbow, half-circle sort of shape. Think of what the Oompa Loompas do with their arms as they start singing the Veruca Salt song in the movie, only faster.**

x0o0x

After much struggle, the five stood at the door to Erik's home. He pulled out a set of keys (which reminded Amanda and Kristen of Willy Wonka's keys) and unlocked the door, leading them into the sitting room.

"You mean there are NO flowers! BULLSCAT!"

Back in the kids' school, the science teacher exploded.

Mike flopped down on the couch. "I'm cool."

"You mean bubbly," Amanda corrected.

Erik had no idea what the words coming out of their mouths meant, but they seemed at least somewhat content with their surroundings. He started to sneak off to his room, but was stopped dead in his tracks when Seth asked, "Where do we sleep?"

He screwed his eyes shut and pointed to a door on one side of the room, starting to move toward his own. As the door shut, Kristen made a face. "I have no idea why you like him, Amanda."

Amanda ignored her and gathered them all together. "Just so you know- when he's around, THE MASK DOES NOT EXIST. Don't ask about it. Don't mention it. Don't take it off. Leave him alone when he's asleep. He can be ever so pissed when it comes to that topic, and in the book, he got brutal with Christine. Who knows what he'll do to us!"

"Kill us?" Kristen whispered. Seth buried his face in his hands and Mike's eyes widened.

"Heck yes! Killing to him is like playing video games to me! It's entertainment!"

All the kids made a face.

Amanda's face brightened. "But let's go explore our new room, shall we?"

The room was a little small, but they could all fit with no trouble. Claiming sleeping spaces, they agreed that Amanda and Kristen would have to share the bed, while Mike got the couch. It was decided that they would ask for a spare mattress, blankets, and pillows so that Seth wouldn't have to sleep on the floor. The bathroom was even smaller and they would have to go in shifts of two if they wanted to change out of their clothes into new ones, and only one was allowed to shower. They could all crowd in if they were doing something simple, like washing their faces or brushing their hair.

Mike scanned their bedroom. "Let's split it into a boys section and a girls section."

"What, so that I don't find girl underwear on my bed?" Seth asked.

"Yeah," Mike answered, although a very perverted grin was on his face.

Amanda waved her hand in the air. "Lemme do it! I can make PWNAGE forts!"

-------------

The door grated open with a creak, and Amanda's head popped through.

Not to her surprise, Erik's room was exactly how she had imagined it. The coffin bed sat in the middle of the room in all its macabre glory, the red and black canopy draped over it. The floor was stone, and the walls were all black with the _Dies Irae_ lining it. (Amanda picked out her part, the soprano's part, with little difficulty.) Unlike her vision, however, the organ was to the left of the door and not the right, like she thought. Erik sat with her back partially to her, scribbling away at something.

"Erik?" she repeated again, inching into the room some.

He turned quickly, his eyes calming down a bit when he saw who it was. "What do you need?"

"Blankies, some pillows, and a ton of heavy objects. Some very tall tables would be great too. Oh, and something tall to stand on."

"May I ask what you're doing?"

Amanda took a deep breath, as if she were preparing to confess something to her parents. "We're splitting up the room."

To her surprise, Erik relaxed, but his tone remained stiff. "I can imagine that would be normal for children of your age." Before Amanda could yell, he quickly added, "There is a closet near your room, just down the hall. You should be able to find it easily." Signaling that the conversation was over, he turned and started scribbling once more.

-------------

He approached the door cautiously, partly wanting to ask if his guests wanted dinner, and partly wishing to see what Amanda had done to the room. Halfway to it, he could hear someone talking behind the door. As he got closer, however, he realized that someone was singing; a boy, to be exact. He had a very, very deep voice, and half of him suspected that it was-

He opened the door a little, and the first thing he saw was Seth sitting on the couch, overlooking the project and singing, while Amanda was putting a very large canvas up in the middle of the room, bobbing her head back and forth, a happy little smile on her face. Mike and Kristen were holding up the edges of a blanket ceiling on their respective sides, while heavy books from his library were sitting atop tables Amanda had clearly reaped from somewhere in the house, holding up blanket walls. The bed had been scooted to the girls' side of the room, while the couch and a little area of pillows and blankets clearly ment to be a bed sat in the boys' side. Amazed, Erik poked his head in a little farther, and he could clearly hear the words from a song that he did not recognize.

_When all you've got to keep is strong, _

_Move along, move along like I know you do_

_And even when your hope is gone, _

_Move along, move along, just to make it through_

He was quickly joined by a very deep alto voice, coming from Amanda. She was singing to another song he didn't recognize.

_Now listen close, and listen hard_

_The tale of Violet Beauregarde_

_This little girl, she sees no wrong_

_Chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing_

_All day long!_

As she stopped to dance a little and sing the chorus, Kristen jumped in. Her voice was quieter, lighter, and it needed some work, but it was nonetheless pretty.

_Every boy's the same since up in the seventh grade_

_They've been trying to get with me, trying to ha ha ha, ha ha ha_

_They've always got a plan to be my one and only man_

_Wanna hold me with their hands, wanna ha ha ha, ha ha ha..._

Now Mike joined the three voices and three different songs, with a song of his own. His voice was extremely high-pitched, but it was still recognizable as a boy's.

_She said she's no good with words, but I'm worse_

_Barely stuttered out, "a joke of a romantic", or stuck to my toungue_

_Weighed down with words, too over dramatic_

_Tonight it's "it can't get much worse"_

_Vs. "no one should ever feel like"_

The songs and melodies mixed together, so that it sounded like

_Chewing move along, You got_

_Dance dance all day long_

_You got a real big heart alooong! Falling apart..._

He cupped his hands over his ears and strode into the room, not being able to tolerate it any longer. "Quiet! STOP! STOP!"

The singing stopped, but as he released his hands from his ears, he saw Amanda, Mike, and Seth nod to one another. Looking straight at him, they started to sing the _Dies Irae_, minus an alto part, while Kristen looked from one to the other confusedly.

In the middle, he cut them off coldly. "Very good. But I expect this to be cleared up by the end of the week."

"Why?" Amanda whined.

"...I'm expecting a guest-"

"Who?" they chorused.

"A young soprano by the name of Christine Daae."

Amanda's jaw dropped. "You have GOT to be kidding me."

"What's wrong?"

"Erik, she's a retard. Her picture is next to the definition in the dictionary, along with Ms. Hawkins'. Get what I'm saying? She's BRAIN DEAD. Stupid. Idiotic." She started to do the "Retarded" hand motions, a mocking open-mouthed smile on her face.

Erik's eyes filled with anger. "Never speak about her that way!"

"Oh and wa! What are you going to do?"

He thought about it for a moment. "Hang you and your friends from the rafters."

Amanda squeaked, then pondered. "But I'll...throw Christine in a well!"

Erik stuttered for a moment, then raised his voice. "You don't even know where a well is!"

"Yeah, well, I'll find one! Or, even better, I'll throw her in the torture chamber! And then she'll explode like BULLSCAT!"

Back in their school, Dorky the plaster sea turtle exploded.

Erik growled from deep within his throat as Amanda laughed maniacally.

"Face it, Erik! I am NOT going to give up my room for some Swedish retard!"


	4. Hyperactivity

**Oh noes. School tomorrow.**

**But my friends are there! And Dorky!**

x0o0x

"I can't believe I gave up my room for some Swedish retard."

Erik snorted, watching the four as they ate. "She's not a retard, as you call it. She's just...naive."

Seth looked up at the ceiling as he took a sip of milk. "We're in for a surprise, then."

Kristen snatched the potatoes away from Mike as soon as he was done with them and started piling the rest on her plate. "In the movie she was a sl-"

Amanda kicked her under the table and hissed, "Shh! Nobody knows that yet! Although you make a fine point, Kristen, may I remind you that it was YOU who turned Music of the Night into some perverted lame-fest! I'm afraid to show the movie to Mike now! Seth is fine, though-"

Seth looked at her sideways as he finished the remains of his food. "I won't like it..."

"You'll like the part when Gerik kills Buquet, though."

Erik's head snapped up. "Who is Gerik?"

"Movie version of you. He's really sexy and turns the story upside down, but I think he's cool."

Erik threw his hands up into the air. "Is there something I'm missing?"

"Welll...you're not fashion-missing, you're not brain-missing, and you're not petname-missing."

"I have a petname?"

"Sure! It's ErBear!"

Kristen, Seth, and Mike broke into hysterics, wiping the tears from their eyes as Seth asked, "You don't have a petname for me, right?"

Amanda's eyes lit up. "Not really, but you have a variety of nicknames."

Kristen giggled. "Dairy Queen..."

There was a knock at the door. Erik bolted out of his seat, strode over, and opened it.

Nobody there.

He started to close it when he saw a small pile of possesions at his feet. A note in black ink read "From the Authoress. Take what is yours."

Erik shrugged, but the kids at the door thought otherwise. With gasps of delight from the boys and squeals from the girls, they all bent down to pick up their stuff.

Amanda's possesions included her LSB blanket, her laptop with a charger, and her half-finished copy of "Pretties".

Kristen's possesions included three stuffed dogs, a picture of her own dog, and her iPod with speakers.

(These last two are as accurate as I could get.) Seth's stuff included books. A bazillion books. Too many to count. And some paper and pencils.

Mike's possesions included his cellphone, a special charger for his Nano, and his laptop. (I THINK he has one.)

There was also some black facepaint and self-powering computer speakers lying in the bunch.

As Amanda draped her blanket over her head and started making cooing noises, Erik said, "I am off to the gala to watch and to pick up Miss Daae, but you are free to take any more food from the kitchen or to play the piano. PLEASE do not make a mess or touch any of my possesions. May I ask you the favor of cleaning up the dishes? Yes? Good! Enjoy yourselves."

As soon as he closed the door to the house, all was silent. Amanda looked down at her laptop and said, "Let's blast some music through the house and THEN root through the kitchen and play the piano!" The kids cheered, and she set her laptop down on a nearby table and booted it up, connecting it to the speakers as she went. There was no Internet, so she went straight to iTunes and opened it, selected her party mix, and blasted "Barbie Girl" loudly. Meanwhile, Seth and Mike were looking through the kitchen. Seth let out a triumphant shout and came back holding some chocolate cake over his head, much to the excitement of the rest of the group.

As he was walking up to the surface, Erik got a bad feeling about what was happening at his house.

--------------

Quietly Erik rowed Christine through the dark waters of the lake, his eyes upon her. Christine didn't look too happy, seeing as she was being taken from the place she knew best. As they approached the door, Erik caught the sounds of some bass thumping and someone speaking, although it was to the music somehow.

"Please, no...," he whispered as he docked, helped Christine out, and opened the door.

He saw the computer hooked up to the speakers, with the sounds coming out of them. Out of curiosity, he walked over to the screen and looked at it. There was an extensive list of songs there, along with blue scrollbars and buttons. He reached for the device to turn it off, but as soon as his hands touched the mouse, the song stopped. Stepping back and shrugging, he turned to Christine and crossed his arms, waiting for a response from her.

"Who are you?" she asked, her eyes widening in fright.

"Don't be afraid, Christine, you are in no danger..." She lunged for the mask, but he turned his head so that it became out of her reach. "...so long as you do not touch the mask." He put her in a chair and knelt before her, falling silent. Christine, utterly confused, just sat there, staring at him.

After a few minutes, though, something in dark colors streaked out of his bedroom. Looking up, Erik saw brown eyes looking at him innocently through square glasses, the rest of her face shrouded in the LSB blanket and her head hooded by it. She clutched the blanket closed over her, and Erik could see that a deep purple blanket was tied around her waist to hide her legs and that she was twitching. She was quickly followed by two others, both dressed similarily, although one had a blue hood and a black skirt while another had a red hood and a white skirt.

The leader looked from one to the other, and then spoke in a strange voice. "We are the Knights who say Ni!"

The others started making ni-ing noises while Christine and Erik stared, dumbfounded.

The brown eyes slid to Christine, and she pointed an accusing finger at her. "YOU must bring us...a shrubbery!"

"A shrubbereeeeeee!" squeaked the others.

Erik, annoyed, ripped the hood off of the leader, and saw none other than Amanda, her eyes glazed with a wild look and her face covered in chocolate. Snorting, he did the same to the others, finding that one was Kristen and one was Mike, both looking crazy and covered in chocolate.

His eyes widened. "Christine, these are my...other...guests..."

Suddenly the door slammed open again, and Seth, his face also smeared and his hair messy, came out on all fours like Gollum. He scrambled over on his hands and feet and took their hoods from them with his mouth, retreating over to a dark corner. He stroked them and grinned eerily. "My...precioussss..."

(HAHA, WOW. I'm sorry, Seth. xD)

Christine was, by now, very scared, and Amanda noticed the look in Erik's eyes. "Knights who say Ni and pet n00b...away!"

They all retreated into Erik's room, where they were hiding until Christine fell asleep. After a while Kristen ran out, retrieved the speakers and computer, and went back inside.

-----------------

A/N: LOL. We need help.


	5. Leads to Vandalism

**Look! Two chappies in a row!**

x0o0x

Seth, chocolate free, was curled up in the spare blankets that they had used, while Kristen and Mike were not far behind, the chocolate also off of their faces. Amanda was pacing, looking into a hand mirror and wiping the last traces of food from her face.

"You sure it's all off?"

They nodded, and Amanda set the mirror down.

The door flew open, and Erik was standing there, shaking. His eyes blazed with anger as his gaze fell upon the four kids. Before they could say anything, he pointed into the sitting room. "Out!"

They all scrambled to get their stuff as Erik started shouting, "Out! OUT! OUT! Before I kill you all! Get out of my room!"

As soon as their bodies were outside the door, it slammed shut and an angry melody started to sound from the organ. The group stood staring at the door in silence, not moving.

Amanda dropped her stuff. "Well, he's never going to forgive us."

"How scared do you think Christine was?" Mike asked, putting his things down as well.

"I never heard screaming, but did you see the look on her face?" Kristen said, her eyes lighting up a moment before dulling down.

Amanda's jaw dropped. "In the end, it's all Christine's fault!"

Seth gave her a questioning look.

"No, listen! If Christine hadn't been performing, Erik wouldn't have left us alone! And if he hadn't left us alone, we wouldn't have found the cake! And if we hadn't found the cake, then we wouldn't have become hyper! And if we hadn't become hyper, then we wouldn't have scared Christine!"

Seth finished for her. "And if we hadn't scared Christine, then Erik wouldn't have been mad at us."

Amanda stuck her finger in the air triumphantly. "Exactly! So it's all _dear _Chrissy's fault!"

--------------

Amanda peered into Christine's room at around five am. The organ music was still going, so they assumed that Erik was awake and occupied, which was good. When she saw Christine asleep, she beckoned the rest of the kids in.

Tiptoeing to the edge of the bed, Mike held the water cup up for Kristen as she stirred the paints, and Seth sat in front of the door, reading and secretly keeping watch. "I knew these would come in handy," Amanda whispered as she accepted her brush, covered it in black paint, and set to work.

She wrote "We're sorry, Erik" gently on Christine's forehead, and she prettily outlined and shadowed her eyes, making Egyptian swirls on the corners. She painted black hearts on her cheeks, put an X on her nose, and put some paint on her lips to make them black (after checking to see if it was safe). Christine shifted a little, but stayed asleep. Amanda signed her art signature on one side, and gave the paintbrush to Kristen. She signed her first name, then handed it to Mike, who signed his name, and finally to Seth, who signed his name as well. On the other side, Amanda wrote "Your living wife", then signaled for Kristen to put away the paints. Mike carefully dumped the water, and Seth washed the sink as Amanda scribbled a note. As soon as the paints were put away, the note to Erik folded, and the rest of the group in bed and fake sleeping, she nudged Christine awake.

She moaned and started to put a hand to her head, but Amanda gently put her hand back down. "Christine."

Eyes wide, she looked to Amanda in fear.

"Ah, don't worry, I can't hurt you. Listen, without changing and without washing up, go up to Erik and give him this." She handed her the note. "Don't read it, okay?"

Christine hesitantly nodded and got up, heading out of the room.

Amanda did the Napolean Dynamite "yesssss" silently, then slunk out behind her, curling up on the couch under some blankets and pillows, her glasses aside. When the rest of them looked at her, she winked and closed her eyes, pretending to be asleep. The others followed her example as the door creaked open. This is what they heard:

"Christine, I- OH MY GOD!"

"What's w-wrong?"

"YOUR FACE! Oh, Christine, your pretty face!"

"A girl asked me to give you this..."

There was a crackling sound.

"'The paint is washable.'"

"What paint?"

"Go and look in the mirror, my dear! You've been covered!"

Footsteps leading away, a door closing.

"AMANDA!"

Amanda stirred, pretending to be sleepy. "Wha...?"

A pair of cold hands seized her and turned her around. A very angry set of yellow eyes met hers and a black mask was inches from her own.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?"

"Do what?"

Mike sat up as Kristen and Seth opened their eyes. "What's going on?"

"You've...you've...painted her!"

Amanda looked to the door and back to Erik. "Oh, you mean what we did to Christine? We really are sorry, you know."

Erik started to shake her. "She'll be scarred for life! Look what you've done!"

Seth jumped in. "Erik, she'll be fine."

"No she won't! You tied her down and-"

"Erik. She was asleep. She had no idea until you told her," Amanda said, starting to become really frightened now.

Erik's hands wrapped around her neck. "Don't you dare lie to me!"

Kristen piped up, "No, she's right!"

Erik started to speak, but the door creaked open again and Christine bounced out, a smile on her lips. The facepaint was still on and completely intact.

"It's beautiful! I love what you've done, Amanda, Kristen, Mike, Seth! Thank you! May I ask why "your living wife" is painted on the side? I'm afraid I have no idea what it means."

Amanda's head whipped back to Erik, shocked. "You mean you didn't notice that? Shame on you and all of your sexy children, Erik!"

Christine shrugged. "Oh well. I think it is a nice touch, anyway. A sort of welcoming of sorts, am I right?"

"N-...yes. _Just _like that."

"Do I detect a bit of subliminal messaging?" Christine asked, frowning.

"No, **Christine**. There **is **no **s**ubliminal messaging, none wha**t**soever. Yo**u **silly, **p**retty l**i**ttle **d**arling, you!" Amanda laughed nervously as the other three kids tried to sort out what she had hidden in her sentence. Christine blissfully ignored the emphasis put on the two words and six letters and asked shyly, but cheerfully, "Erik...?"

Erik's hands released Amanda and he jumped up, folding them behind his back. "Yes?"

"May I have breakfast?"

"Of course," he replied, the yellow eyes sliding to the kids hopefully.

Seth sighed. "What do you want?"

"Erm...two overeasy eggs, some French Toast with syrup, and some coffee."

Amanda brightened. What she said: "Would you like some sugar and or cream inside?" (What she meant: "I'm going to poison your coffee then eat your soul. :)")

"Two cubes of sugar and some cream would be fine."

Amanda sighed. "I can give my mom a cup of coffee fine, but that's with modern machines. I can only create scrambled eggs, regular toast, and a bowl of cereal. Maybe peel a banana or two, but that's it."

Erik glared at her subtly, but answered calmly, "Then I will cook."

------------

A/N: Lol. Yay for facepaint and subliminal messaging!


	6. Hips Don't Lie?

**Yargh! Sorry it took longer than normal to update, but last week was very stressful for me! Two projects due, two friends fighting, and just plain people being mean. Yes, stressful indeed. On the bright side, I don't have any assignments missing, so I'm clear!**

**Hips Don't Lie is a song by Shakira. I don't own her, her songs, Neopets, the 6th grade textbook, or Gay Atlantica.**

x0o0x

The rest of the morning went without any trouble. Christine had breakfast after washing her facepaint off, and was generally bouncy around the house. Amanda kept sniggering behind her back, although they got along quite well. Kristen slept some more, Mike blasted music, and Seth made chicken noises. (What? He was flapping his arms like a chicken at lunch on Friday. I limped past, seeing as I pulled something in my leg playing DDR on Wenesday, and told him he wasn't a bird.)

Two o' clock came and went. Lunch was eaten and Erik finally agreed to show her around the house. Amanda led the rest of them into the sitting room, and they sat around, chatting and acting like they had NO IDEA WHAT WAS GOING ON as Erik led her into his room.

Lots of talk, then the organ started playing. Amanda groaned.

"What is it?" Mike asked, looking up from the computer.

Amanda sighed, then started mimicking the ALW!Phantom. "Damn you! You little prying Pandora! Etcetera, etcetera."

Kristen started laughing. She always found that part in the movie to be strangely hilarious. Seth had absolutely no idea what they were talking about and opened his mouth to ask when suddenly chaos erupted in the next room.

"There's the answer to your q, Seth," Amanda said, twirling a strand of hair on one finger as she mouthed what Erik was saying. "Geez, I didn't know that he paused so damn much. He sounds RETARDED! RETARDED!"

Everything was silent except for Christine's pleas for mercy and Erik's RETARDED! RETARDED! shouting.

"What is he doing to her?" Mike asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

Seth laughed. "Eating her soul."

"CRAP, Seth! I was going to say that!"

The yelling ceased and they all heard crying. Amanda flew up out of her chair and burst into the room, screaming at Christine.

"FLIP YOU! FLIP YOU! Now get outta here before I hack you like a DORM MINDER!"

Christine stopped trembling long enough to throw a questioning look toward Amanda.

"Gimme them dang ice creams!" With one quick movement Amanda snatched the mask away from her and chased her out of the room, mouthing to her friends to stay back as well as she closed the door.

Erik was on the other side of the room, knees to his chest, his arms rested upon them and his head resting on his arms, looking toward the wall as he cried quietly.

"You okay?"

He growled. "Don't come near me."

"I think you need a hug," Amanda purred, taking a few steps forward.

Erik didn't answer, but started crying harder.

Clearing the distance between them, Amanda got up on her knees and hugged him around the neck, taking care to avert her eyes as she rested her head on his shoulder. Almost immediately he shoved her away and turned his back to her, still crying.

"You'd be scared away as well if you saw my face."

"I bet," she mumbled in a sarcastic tone.

"You would!" Angrily he whirled to face her. Amanda's breath hitched in her throat as she stared upon the real version of the deformity, taking in the sunken eyes, stretched, uneven yellowish skin, and lack of a nose. Actually, the latter didn't faze her too much. It was just a big black hole in the middle of his face.

"I see where you're coming from."

He growled again, flexing his bony fingers as his yellow eyes flared. Amanda's eyes darted around the room to see if htere was anything that he could use against her, but the only weapon was a pillow. He could smother her with it, yeah, but there was more than one. Pillow fighting could be useful.

"Aren't you going to scream? This is more terrifying than anything in your time, am I correct?"

"For once, no."

The hands reached for her neck again, but Amanda, whos reflexes had been inhumanly sharpened by hours of video game playing, dodged (fumbles with broken q key) quickly away.

"No, really! I've seen worse!"

He crawled right after her, the anger in his eyes becoming more and more evident.

She took in a deep breath and squealed as loudly as she could, hoping that someone would hear her.

He laughed insanely and lunged for her. She rolled out of the way.

"That wasn't a scream, that was a squeal! A fangirl squee! It's a good thing! Really!"

She was on her feet, backed against the wall, now feeling uncomfortable and put in some real danger. Keeping her eyes locked to his, she pressed herself flat, ready to strike if she had to.

He kept his distance, trying to control himself, but failing by the second.

"Hmmm...why aren't you running? Why aren't you screaming? Why aren't you terrified of me, like Christine is?"

"'Cause Christine is a biiiiii...lge dice."

"A what? A what, Amanda?"

"A blige dice. That's what she is. Something you can earn a crapload of Neopoints from. Although on Neopets they banned gambling for younger players. I really don't see the problem. People think that it's a bad influence. Like, in the gay 6th grade Math textbook, which came from Gay Atlantica, they called dice "number cubes". How retarded is that? Really. Uber weird. But still, I can't wait until I can gamble on Neopets. Sounds like some real fun. But I think I can live off restocking and playing games, but restocking is really hard..."

She was rambling now, hoping to calm him down. He was staring at her blankly, not getting anything that she was babbling. Who was she, and what was Neopets? Most of all, where was this Atlantica she was speaking of?

"...contrary to popular belief, MY HIPS DO NOT LIE!"

He cracked a grin, which only lasted for a second before fading away.

"No, really! They don't!" She strode over to the door and yanked it open. "Hey, people! Tell Erik that my hips don't lie, he doesn't believe me!" Hysterical laughter erupted from the other side. Amanda used her acting skills and became infruriated. "Really! Kristen, do my hips lie?"

"No!" he heard her choke from the other side.

She whirled to face him, her eyes lit up. "SEE! They don't! You believe me, don't you?"

He was chuckling lightly now, a smile on his twisted lips and his eyes averted to the ground.

"The NERVE of some people," Amanda mumbled, hurling a cookie at Christine, who had peeked out the door. She closed it just in time, and the cookie smashed against the wood.


	7. Caroline hijacks the fic

**Auditions for the fall play, Macbeth, are in two weeks. I'm going to get a part, I SWEAR. I was a good Banquo! (In Drama class' version, that is.)**

x0o0x

Kristen was a little too hyper the next morning. She was running around in circles, making airplane noises, spraying perfume frantically from a glass bottle, which belonged to Christine.

"Kristen! NO!" Amanda snatched the bottle away and held it high up as Kristen tried in vain to snatch it back up. "Ever since you sprayed Febreeze in my room before Corpse Bride, I've been scarred for life! Don't even get me STARTED on the Secret stuff!"

Erik watched the two from a distance, smirking as the few inches that made Amanda taller than Kristen came in handy. Kristen was whining loudly, which caused Christine to pad out of her room sleepily.

His head snapped from her to the two girls, and he boomed, "Silence!"

The two immediately stopped, as if they were in a movie and someone had pressed the pause button. Kristen was hovering in midair, and Amanda was making a weird face.

"Alright..." Turning toward Christine, he asked more gently, "Is there anything you need?"

"These two woke me up," she mumbled. Mike yelled "Mumbler!" from where he sat playing games on Amanda's laptop.

Seth looked up from his book and burst into laughter at the sight of Amanda and Kristen. As he rolled on the floor in hysterics, Christine slowly backed into her room and closed the door.

Erik sighed and put his head in his hands, mimicking pressing a button. The girls started to fight again, Amanda eventually giving up and handing the bottle to Kristen, who promptly chucked it in the lake.

"WTF, Kristen?" Amanda gave her a weird look. "Oh well. The whole place smells so much that you can get high just by breathing."

Mike piped, "Dan once sniffed white out!"

Seth muttered, "It's possible, he's so stupid."

"Not as stupid as Cole. When a lawnmower passed by the open window during a math test and everyone said to close it, he went, 'No! I want to hear the sounds of nature!'"

Erik's head popped up. "What is a lawnmower?"

"A mower that mows lawns. I mean, well, GEEZ. When were you born, the 1890's?"

He opened his mouth to retort, but closed it again. "You know, there is a masquerade ball in a few months."

Kristen squealed and danced. "Can we go?"

"...you may."

Hello Kitty swam by.

"What the-"

Just then Caroline rowed into the scene inside a canoe, a well in the back. "The EVIL MONSTER that escaped from the WELL! Get them!"

The entire place ruptured, and they were suddenly in in a well.

(Caroline takes over)

"WHY are we inside a well?" Erik asked.

"Because-" Caroline started, then saw Erik. "You're the Phantom of the Opera!"

"Duh," Mike said. "Even I knew that."

"Actually, my name is Erik, and-" He was cut off.

"I CAN PLAY YOUR THEME SONG ON THE PIANO!" A piano appeared and Caroline started playing The Phantom of the Opera on the piano. Erik had this look on his face that said 'what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-this-girl.' Everyone shrugged in response. Who knows what is wrong with the insane girl who lives by the rule 'zero self insertion'? We should ask Deep Thought that…

"Did she sniff the perfume?" Seth asked. Kristen laughed hysterically, still under the influence of the perfume and unable.

"How do we get out of here?" Christine asked. Caroline stopped playing Phantom and began playing Stairway to Heaven.

"Well-" Kristen began.

"That's not funny," Amanda said.

"Ok, so, anyway, I have some news. Suddenly, when Ms. Hawkins," Caroline stopped playing and looked at Erik, Christine, and Mike. "She's our stupid science teacher, I call her Squawkins. Well, she was eating some soup while lecturing us on the joy of shrimp MATING with each other in the fridge in her classroom, she exploded like bullscat!"

Meanwhile, the retarded english teacher who loves Paul Fleishman the Caveman exploded like BULLSCAT.

"Two shrimp were… mating in the fridge?" Mike asked, grinning anyway.. "That's…"

"Retarded?" Kristen asked.

"Yeah. Seriously, I can think of more romantic settings than a fridge with some beer in it."

"Actually, it wasn't just two shrimp. A third one tried to join in, but-"

Everyone was grossed out.

"EW!"

"NASTY!"

"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!"

"Shut up about the shrimp or I'll hang all of you from the rafters," Erik threatened.

"Then I'll shove Christine in a well in a well!" Caroline yelled back. "I know about this well more than all of you!"

"How did we end up inside here, anyway?" Seth asked. "This defies all laws of… normality."

Amanda snorted. "Your LAUGH defies all laws of normality."

"WHAT are you all DOING inside my WELL!" Everyone turned. It was the EVIL MONSTER that escaped from a WELL. (Not Hello Kitty.)

"That's what we're wondering," Amanda said.

"Then get OUT before I destroy you with my ALMIGHTY ESCAPING ABILITITES!"

"If you're such an escape artist, then why haven't you escaped already?" Kristen asked.

"ELLIPSIS!" The MONSTER roared. Only Caroline laughed and began rolling on the floor in hysterics.

"Uh…" Mike would have edged away from the hysterical punctuation fanatic, but Kristen was the other person next to him. Would you want to be next to someone high on perfume? I THINK NOT.

"GET OUT of my WELL before I OBLITERATE all of you with my…" It blinked. "Um…" It saw the piano. "HORRIBLE MUSIC SKILLS!"

Everyone gasped in horror!


	8. Caroline hijacks the fic: Part Deux

**Okay. Just so you know, my friend Caroline is writing this. Not me. So yeah. She's been writing the story since we ended up in a well. But don't worry, I'll take over after. ;D**

x0o0x

"I blame this entire thing on you," Erik said to Amanda.

"What! It's not my fault we're chained here listening to some RETARDED MONSTER play on Caroline's PIANO," Amanda snapped back. The EVIL MONSTER had been playing its interpretation of numerous video game theme songs. By now, no one in that WELL wanted to see another mushroom ever again.

"In a way, it's your fault, and I still don't know your name," Christine said to Caroline.

"My name's What's-her-face," Caroline said sarcastically. "My best friends are Cheerleader, So-and-So, and The Ugly One. I get attacked by possums a lot."

"Possums…" Amanda laughed.

"People are strangely named in America…" Christine whispered to Erik, who was thinking that people are overall strange in America.

"I heard that, my name's not What's-Her-Face, that was a joke. Sheesh, you Europeans can't take a joke, can you? My name is CAROLINE! Let it burn into your mind!"

"I blame Hello Kitty for this," Mike said.

"How is it a drawing come to life's fault?" Erik asked. "By the way, HOW THE WELL did that thing come alive?"

Everyone laughed.

"HELL! I meant HELL!"

"SILENCE!" The EVIL MONSTER exclaimed. "I shall now perform my enhanced version of…the music… from…"

"Please not another Mario game," Seth muttered.

"KINGDOM HEARTS!"  
Amanda's eyes widened with horror. "Not Gay Atlantica's music!"

"YES, Gay Atlantica music!" It began playing what reminded everyone of a cat being run over by a truck. If Erik had had his hands free, he would strangle the monster before it could start playing Hey Jude again. Last time it played it, it had gone on for hours, and the four teenagers had given up singing along to the chorus.

"Is that even close to the actual music?" Seth asked.

"I still blame you," Christine said to Caroline.

"Indirectly, it's Amanda's fault," Caroline replied. "Because she was the one who made me watch Phantom of the Opera-"

"You made her watch Erik?" Christine questioned.

"Long story…" Amanda replied weakly. The EVIL MONSTER continued to bash the piano.

"So, if she hadn't, I would have never found my way through the maze, never would've found Hello Kitty-"

"How did it get IN HERE, anyway?" Kristen asked. "I mean, unless it got shoved into this Opera House like we did, it couldn't have gotten through anything."

"Hello Kitty was reborn from the perfume tossed into the water," Caroline stated.

"Oh," Kristen seemed to get smaller.

"THAT is IT!" The EVIL MONSTER screamed. "I AM ESCAPING! I shall go to Jelly World! And I WILL use THIS THING!" The EVIL MONSTER grabbed Amanda's laptop and logged onto Neopets. "THIS WILL BE MY GUIDE!" It then disappeared (guess it was good at escaping) and left its former captives bound. Everyone was silent for a moment.

"Wait," Seth started. "If we had a laptop with internet access, didn't it occur to any of you that we should've E-MAILED SOMEONE!"

"Oh, I did!" Amanda said cheerfully.

"Who?" Kristen, Caroline, Mike, and Seth all asked in chorus.

Amanda's grin vanished. If her hands had been free (and everyone else's, after they heard who she e-mailed) she would have slapped her forehead.

"I e-mailed Caroline."

"E-mail?" Christine asked.

"Never mind, I don't want to give a lecture on the joys of the internet," Seth's eyes widened as Erik growled dangerously.

**Five hours later… **

"And that's why our brain capacity has been growing smaller, because we spend too much time in front of a screen," Seth concluded. "Now I'm thirsty."

"We're in a well, why isn't there water?" Mike asked.

"Because this is like the well in Ocarina of Time," Caroline said, beginning to tap into her Zelda wisdom. "When Link played the Song of Storms, the water drained inside the well, and he could get the Lens of Truth, which could show invisible things."

"Why did he need those things?" Amanda asked. "Seriously, he should get glasses instead."

"I can see things no one else can see!" Mike declared. He remained quiet after Seth told him that Bob the Super Dragon wasn't real.

"Oh, he needed the lens of truth because an evil monster escaped from the well, and-"

Everyone glared at her. Everyone got angry simultaneously (big word from the hijacker…) except Erik and Christine; both didn't know what a video game was, but everyone was unaware that the game in question had an annoyingly hard dungeon (Water Temple!)

"YOU MEAN WE'RE IN A FLIPPIN' VIDEO GAME!" Kristen screamed.

"I don't want to be in sixteen bit graphics!" Amanda whined.

"Zelda was a 3D game, retard. Now, if we could get unbound, then-" Caroline was cut off by the Zelda discovery music. Apparently, Seth had pushed a stone in the wall of the well that triggered them to become unbound.

"Finally," Erik helped Christine up off the ground and began rubbing life into his wrists. Everyone else did the same. Not helping Christine up, but rubbing life back into their limbs.

"Ok, follow me," Caroline began walking towards a wall.

"Are you crazy?" Seth asked.

"Yeah, these walls are solid. Nothing could get through them," Mike said.

Kristen walked over to the wall Caroline had been about to do something to. "My life is over." And hit her head against the wall. But her head never hit the wall. It was an illusionary wall.

"So, that's how the monster got in our section of the well?" Erik asked.

"Yeah, everybody through," They all walked through, and saw bones upon bones. Everyone looked at Erik.

"It wasn't me," he said.

"HEY! LISTEN!" A glowing blue sphere with wings flew in front of them.

"Oh, God, is this another monster from the well?" Seth moaned. Amanda muttered something that sounded like, "Your mom is a monster from the well…"

"MY NAME IS NAVI THE FAIRY!" it said. "I'm going to be your PARTNER from now on!"

"Oh, CRA-A-A-A-A-A-AP!" Caroline screamed, knowing who Navi was. Navi hit Caroline.

"You can't say that! This game is E rated!" Navi exclaimed.

"Your mom is E rated," Amanda muttered. Mike yelled 'MUMBLER!' again and continued watching the glowing sphere, wondering how it was a fairy.

"C'mon! Be brave! Let's go into the Great Deku Tree!" Navi said enthusiastically.

"Great…Deku…Tree?" Christine asked. Somehow, the tree reminded her of Raoul. "Oh, no! Raoul's going to be so angry if I don't come back soon…" She turned to Erik. "How long have I been done here?"

"You spent about two days or so in my lair, and we may have spent another day down here," Erik said, trying to calculate.

"LISTEN!" Navi screamed. Everyone turned and looked at her, wondering what she'd say next. "I'm hungry!"

"So? We all are, retard!" Kristen yelled back.

"WELL, I NEED FOOD!" Navi said.

"So do we!" Amanda yelled. "Gimme a PB and J sammich!"

"Massive crap companion…" Caroline muttered, sticking her hands into her pockets.

"WHAT?" Navi asked. "I DIDN'T QUITE HEAR YOU!"

"You are a massive crap companion!" Caroline yelled at the overly annoying fairy.

"YOU SAID A SWEAR!" Navi fainted.

"…Dude, crap isn't a swear," Kristen said.

"In the world of Nintendo it is," Mike said knowledgably.

"True dat," Amanda nodded. "M-kay, so, Caroline, lead the way through this dungeon."

"I think we should hold hands or something, lots of the floors and walls aren't really solid," Caroline said. Amanda squealed. Whether it was from the idea of falling through a floor or holding Erik's hand, no one knew for sure. Except her. (But guess what? I'm not Amanda, so I don't know!)

"Wait, what happens if we fall in?" Seth asked.

"We go down and down, until we hit the bottom floor of the well. There is an evil bunch of re-deads-"  
"Retards?" Kristen asked.

"No, re-deads, if they look at you, you become paralyzed, then they jump on your shoulders and suck the life out of you," Caroline replied.

"How do you kill them?" Erik asked. The idea of killing something and not having Christine hate him for it was a very pleasant idea.

"You slash 'em till they fall to the ground. Then, all the other re-deads around them go to watch it decompose."

"Wait, we don't have any swords," Mike said. "Or anything."  
"But I've got me…" Caroline took out seventeen plastic knives. "SEVENTEEN STABBIN' KNIVES!"

Seth and Mike jumped back through the illusionary wall.

"WHY THE HELL DOES SHE CARRY AROUND KNIVES!" Mike yelled.

"It's alright, she only uses them against her enemies," Amanda said reassuringly.

"They look flimsy and worthless," Erik observed.

"Nuh-UH, I asked one of my friends to stick some of her power into it and now they are…" Caroline held up the knives. "SUPER STABBIN' KNIVES!"

"Oh-my-God, I'm stuck in a well with two people from a book, two insane girls, Mike, and one insane girl who carries around knives," Seth walked back behind Erik. Mike did the same.

"Wait," Caroline said. "It's possible to paralyze re-deads." She looked at everyone, a grave expression on her face. "Do any of you have an ocarina?"

"A _what_!" Everyone said in unison.

"Ocarina. Instrument. Little clay flute…" Caroline groaned. "We're doomed! We need an ocarina!"

"That's it, I'm going on ahead," Erik stomped past everyone and walked up to the wall behind Caroline and attempted to walk through it. It was a solid wall. "DAMNIT!"

"Oh, wait, I have my ocarina right here," Caroline reached into the pocket of her grey sweater and pulled out what looked like an egg with holes and a mouth piece. (Caroline's Note: I actually DO have an ocarina. Those of you who have played Zelda will know what the Ocarina of Time looks like. Google an image or something.) "I can get us out of here. Kristen, grab my arm. Someone else grab Kristen. EVERYONE has to be touching someone or someone's gonna get left behind." Kristen grabbed Caroline's arm. Erik grasped hold of Kristen's arm and Christine's. Mike carefully grabbed Christine's arm, hoping not to raise Erik's anger, at the risk of losing his head. Seth grabbed hold of Mike. Amanda grabbed Seth's arm. Seth showed no sign of wanting to switch places with Mike.

"Ok, do not let go. This will work," Caroline reached out her foot to touch the piano (that had followed them, somehow.) and began playing some song on the ocarina. The group was surrounded by a bright blue light and they were lifted out of the well. When everyone opened their eyes, they saw they were outside the school the five insane teenagers went to.

"YAY! We're not in the well anymore! We're in 2006!" Amanda jumped for joy. Kristen laughed insanely and took out some perfume she had happened to be storing in her pocket.

"Where are we?" Erik asked.

"Oh, SHIZZLE," Caroline sat down on the piano bench she had brought with the piano. "I forgot to drop Erik and Christine off at Erik's lair, or even in their own universe."

"What are we gonna say if people ask?" Amanda asked.

"Fuck," Kristen replied.

-------------

**Woah man. Wasn't expecting Kristen to say that at the end. But she does in real life, so...**


	9. What is this stupidity?

**w00t. It's all me now.**

**Anyway, the school thing is going by subject. Mike, Kristen, Seth, Caroline, and I don't actually have every single class together. In reality, I have only Chorus and Math with Mike, only French with Kristen, only Chorus with Seth, and only Science with Caroline. But this is a fanfic, so who cares?**

**Random person: I do...**

**And HI, Elevator Country!**

x0o0x

"You're kidding," Erik muttered, looking around in curiosity at the cars in the parking lot.

"We've got ten years to live!" Screaming like crazy, Caroline ran into the school.

"Well, crap. Let's go in." Christine and Erik stuck to the middle schoolers as they traveled through the doors.

Caroline was gaping at the literal WALL of students that were passing through the hallways like blood in your body. "Wave of morons!"

Amanda glanced at Erik and Christine, who were gaping as well. "Follow me!" No sooner was the word "me" out of her mouth than she shot down the hallway and disappeared into the students.

Christine gave a cry. "Where'd she go?"

Mike shrugged. "Oh, that's easy. That way." He pointed to the left corner at the end of the hallway, where she was darting expertly through the students.

"What do we have next?" Seth asked quietly.

"English," Kristen yelled. Everyone else just realized that she was halfway through the wave of morons.

**English**

Ms. Corbet was rambling on about something in "Seedfolks" that had absolutely no relevence to anything whatsoever. But most kids just guessed that she liked to ramble on.

Christine was asleep, while Seth was doodling things on the edge of his line watch paper. Mike was watching him doodle, Caroline was staring into space, and Kristen and Amanda were staring at the clock.

Erik sighed, leaning over to Mike. "When is this class over?"

He looked up at the clock. "Like, 45 minutes."

"It's only been FIVE MINUTES since we stepped into-"

"The swamp of CORBET?" Caroline asked, listening to the conversation.

"Chicken tenders," Amanda whispered to Seth eerily, making him jump.

Conclusion: A boring class. Really. Science is MUCH funnier.

**Science**

Kristen was laughing hysterically. Mike was grinning. Christine was horrified.

"Mating for HOW LONG!"

Amanda sighed as she estimated the length of the (now dead) sand shrimp. "Since they were found about a week or so ago."

"Seriously. Those shrimp must be dead by now," Kristen choked between giggles. Seth was snickering as well as he poked the shrimp repeatedly with his pencil.

Caroline was laughing at something else. "PERIWINKLE CIRCUS!" she shouted, tugging at Amanda's sleeve and pointing to the tiny tank at Station 9.

"Periwinkle circus LATER. Let's watch Jane."

All heads in the group turned collectively to Jane, who was arguing with Lauren over whether or not lobsters were an animal or a candy.

Conclusion: Jane needs Aladdin's help. End of story.

**Gym**

Oh no! It's a BOY/GIRL BASKETBALL GAME!

"That's not fair! They get Erik and we get sucky Christine!" Amanda yelled.

Seth kicked it hard at Christine, missing her by an inch. Kristen passed the ball to Erik, who...ATE IT!

Conclusion: Erik went to food poisoning control, then came back a few minutes later. Turns out that the ball was actually made of sugar. (Hey, I know about the mistake about us playing basketball and Seth kicking the ball. People find it funny as hell, so I'm keeping it.)

**Social Studies**

"Hi! I'm Arizona Smith!" said the stupid Arizona Smith movie.

"What is this stupidity!" Erik asked loudly. Mrs. Naughton threw a globe at him.

Christine was in a trance, even as Mike poured ice coffee on her head. "He's handsome..."

Conclusion: I didn't know Mrs. Naughton made the world rotate! That's so cool!

**LUNCH!**

Basically, Christine and Erik stared at the school food like its about to come alive and dance. Amanda, Caroline, and Kristen flicked Goldfish at people and screamed, "ONE MORE TIME!"

Conclusion: Erik did NOT like Amanda's paper bag mask.

**Study**

Since it was a Tuesday, Ms. Treewhiner was on duteh. (Her name isn't really Ms. Treewhiner, but I can't say her real name or spell it.)

"Read for 20 minutes or I'm eating you!"

Erik took out a rope.

"Pizza party! But you can't have fun or enjoy yourselves at all, or I'm giving you detention."

Conclusion: Wow. What a bitch.

**Math**

Mr. Lehr raised an eyebrow at the group at a desk. "Amanda, why did you bring your aunt and uncle to school?"

"So we can do a creature feature on them!"

Erik whirled on her. "WHAT!"

Christine was still dreaming about Arizona Smith as Seth proceeded to smear jelly and mayo on her already coffee covered head. Mike ate his equations.

Conclusion: I like lemonade.

**Language: French**

Erik stared at Amanda scribble down sentences in French, correcting her every two seconds.

"No, that accent goes there..."

Kristen got the same treatment, except that every time he corrected her, she squealed loudly.

**Language: Spanish**

"ME GUSTA LIMONADA!" Caroline yelled, pouring lemonade on Christine's jelly and mayo covered, drenched in iced coffee head.

"How do you say Arizona Smith in...Spanish?"

Mike then proceeded to put some salsa on her head too. Hey, it's Spanish class. AY-YI-YI!

**Language: Latin**

Seth looked to the left.

Seth looked to the right.

Seth looked forward blankly.

"I'M ALOOOOONE!"

Conclusion: Poor Seth. Poor Erik. I'm gonna make a sammich out of Christine's head. But Drama was a different story...


	10. Drama time! Whee!

**Cape Cod trip equals UBER FUNTIME.**

**Sorry the update is late, I was writing other crap. Oh, and btw...got in the fall production of Macbeth. I'm servant girl. Haha, omg. Seth is Macbeth, and my friend Lauren is Lady Macbeth. God, I'm jealous. I shall entertain myself by reading Shakespeare and counting off the days till the end of school...2 more!**

x0o0x

Well, Drama was a little-no-REALLY nuts. Well, we have other kids being parts, and the big parts are broken down. 'Cept Banquo. Amanda was Banquo.

This will be written in script form.

---------------

Erik: So...Macbeth?

Amanda: MacDONAL-

Mike: -bain.

Seth: That works. Okay, so, Amanda is Banquo...

Caroline: She'd be a good Banquo!

Seth: I'm Macbeth in...EVERYTHING BUT THE BANQUET SCENE?

Kristen: Haha. Sucks for you.

Mike: I'm Macbeth in the banquet scene.

Amanda: I'm a shrubbereeeeeeeeeeeee!

Kristen: Amanda...we all know you see Elvis in your refridgerator...

Christine: Who?

**LET'S JUST START ONE MORE TIME!**

Amanda: Thou hast it now! King Cawdor, Glamis...(checks script) SHURUBBEREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES, all, and I fear-

Erik: No, no no. No shrubber...eeeeees.

Kristen: Double, double, toil and trouble...wait, am I supposed to come in? I'm-

Caroline: HELP ME COUNT TO TEN!

Seth: (blissfully ignores the dumbass antics taking over the stage and enters) Ah, here's our chief guest.

Lauren: (whispers) Amanda's going to eat me.

Mike: Your mom's going to eat you. OH!

**Later...**

Christine: Do I even have a part?

Everyone: ...

Amanda: You're the...the...TREE! Yeah, that's it.

(Witches' cave scene starts)

Spirits: (in a bored tone) Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth, beware Macduff...

One spirit: (throws up confetti) Yay...

Seth: Well, God, who is this Mac-

(Amanda jumps onstage in her dead Banquo costume and dances)

Caroline: YA DA DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN-

(Erik stands up, annoyed)

Erik: Caroline, you are Ross. Amanda, wrong cue.

Mike: This is the cue. (middle finger)

OMINOUS VOICE FROM NOWHERE: **MIKE MADE A NAUGHTY!**

Seth: That was so...wrong...

Amanda: Not as wrong as all the hoe refs that Shakespeare makes.

Kristen: Hoe. (Laughs)

**I'm too lazy to add more to this scene. I promise, it'll get better as we go.**


	11. In which the authoress runs out of ideas

**Well, school is over, my birthday is approaching, and I beat Kingdom Hearts 2 the other day. That, and camp has started...**

**Anyways, this chapter and a few more in the future will include a lot of Kingdom Hearts 2 characters and settings. If you're having trouble, simply Google who it is I'm talking about. I'll explain a lot in the chapters, as apparently my friends, including Erik, don't have a clue about KH2 either.**

x0o0x

The group threw themselves out of the auditorium, some yawning, some shaking with the excitement from the practice...meaning Amanda.

"BOW DOWN TO ME! I'm BANQUO!"

Erik, who had a banging migraine, growled in annoyance. "Yes, I'm sure we all know that."

Kristen, out of pity, sent Christine to the bathroom to get a good look at herself.

Seth suddenly mumbled, "Oh crap," and put his hands over his mouth to hide his smile.

Everyone turned collectively to him.

"How do we get back?"

Aaand...the heads all turned to Erik.

He scowled, now completely out of patience. "I don't know, ask the Caroline girl!"

Mike shook his head. "She poofed away." Now everyone groaned, but Amanda pointed to a door labeled, "Go through here, you idiots!", complete with an angry smilie at the end. (Yes, I'm running out of ideas, can't you tell?)

So they went through it...

Amanda gaped. "OHMYGOODGODWEAREINKINGDOMHEARTSDEUX!"

Mike, who did not know French, asked, "Deux?"

Kristen started speaking in rapid French just to confuse him as Seth asked, "What's Kingdom Hearts?"

"'Tis my totally pwn video game. This is the sequel!" Amanda squeed and ran in circles, seeing as she was now having a meltdown at the thought of all the possibilities.

Erik sat down on a box clearly labeled, "Do Not Sit!" "I think I have gone over the edge."

Kristen stopped speaking in French. "Over the Hedge?"

"The EDGE."

Amanda shook a finger at Kristen. "That's a NO-NO. Bad Kristen. For that, you must bring me...a SHRUBBE-"

Seth had put his hand over Amanda's mouth. "You're breaking your own rules."

Mike squealed like a little girl and pointed over Amanda's shoulder. "WHOZZAT?"

Kristen looked over Seth's shoulder. "Oh, Amanda! That's that...guy! The one you told me about, what's his name..."

As Kristen stood there pondering, Amanda peeled Seth's hand off of her mouth long enough to ask, "Is he and/or she wearing a black coat?"

Erik checked. "Yes. That is a...man, I, believe."

Seth turned, but ducked as a very large playing card flew past. Amanda, who had seen the card, squealed, turning to see who it was.

In fact, she didn't even need to get a good look at him. In a blur, she ran over to the mysterious man.

"LUUUUUUUUUUUUUXOOOOOOOOOORD!"

She ran into him so hard that he nearly toppled over, but his hood stayed on. She clung onto him, grinning wider than anyone had ever seen before.

"You guys, this IS my new best friend! Seriously! He OWNED!"

Everyone walked over to get a closer look. Luxord finally got one of his arms free to pull back his hood.

"For the love of- can someone tell me who this young lady is?"

(The authoress failed to give a description of Luxord here, but that's what Google is for, kids! Simply search on a fanart or image site for Kingdom Hearts 2 Luxord and you should get a good pic of him. Let me just say that he has a cool accent.)

Erik, being the brave one, stepped forward. "She is with us. The question is...who are-"

"No time for descriptions, sir! And if we did have time, I wouldn't tell you who I was," Luxord interrupted, pulling a very disappointed Amanda off of him.

Said girl straightened up. "Fine, I'll tell them." In one breath, she said, "Luxord is a guy from Organization XIII (13) and we are going to find them, DAMMIT!"

Seth, Kristen, Mike, and Erik asked together, "What's Organization XIII?"

--------------------

**Haha, I love Kingdom Hearts. I dun own it, though...well, I own the game, but...wait...**

**YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! As a disclaimer, I don't own Kingdom Hearts legally. I have the games at home. I hope that makes sense.**


	12. HEY! LISTEN!

**So my birthday has come and gone, as well as the year anniversary of my account (WHY didn't I do anything?), and now school has started. Sorry about the long overdue update, but now the updates will come regularly again. I tend to stop writing during the summer so I can recollect my ideas.**

**Just an FYI: the sequel to Tori is up and the sequel to Writer's Block will come sometime during November, maybe earlier. The ending to this might be a bit rushed, but I need to get it done, unless I'll have too much to do, lol.**

x0o0x

"God, that will take a year and a half to explain. So I WON'T."

Everyone was totally confused regardless, and Erik looked like he wanted to strangle Amanda for keeping secrets.

Luxord, however, was pleased that 1. Amanda was off him and 2. She wasn't going to give away anything. Like Erik, he seemed to be silently debating with himself whether or not he wanted to assasinate her and her unusual friends, who were now walking around in circles out of boredom and lack of a good atttention span.

Out of nowhere, Kristen got a granola bar out of her pocket and started to eat it. Mike did the same. Amanda pulled a bag of peanut M&M's out of her pocket and started to shove them in her mouth.

"Where did you get those?" Seth asked curiously, holding out his hand at the thought of, perchance, someone might "drop" a smackeral his way.

"Our pockets."

Erik, however, was trying to intimidate Luxord, which did no good, because both were evenly matched in terms of intelligence.

"Where did you come from, monsieur?"

"Wherever you came from."

"From the school?"

"I didn't know you were still in school." An evil smirk.

"And I did not know you have to extract money from people for a living."

"At least I don't have to wear a mask over my face."

Amanda heard this and went over to hold back the Phantom, who was now struggling to go kill a still smirking Luxord. "NO KILLING OF XEMNAS' BITCHES, plzkthx."

"Xemnas is a sexy mama!" Kristen screamed. This resulted in insane giggles from the two, as well as a few inside jokes thrown in here and there.

The males in the room were extremely disturbed by this.

Suddenly Carlotta and Madame Giry came by in a floating rowboat, discussing politics on the war between Mary-Sues and OC's, which is a pretty interesting debate, I might add. Some crazy fangirl in a ginourmous pirate hat was waving the Czechloslovakian flag at the bow and screaming, "CRACK PAIRINGS! CRACK PAIRINGS!"

Speaking of...

Amanda turned to Luxord and said, "Do you have any idea how many crack pairings you've been in?"

"No, not at all...what are they?"

"Exactly what they sound like. Character pairings driven by crack. So far I've seen you teamed up with Sora, Vexen, Demyx, and Seifer. You get no respect, man, honestly."

**Meanwhile, in Paris...**

A certain hooded man was approaching the Opera House, a taller hooded man by his side.

"Your mission, Number 7, is to take over this...performance hall...so that we may create a third fortress."

The shorter one grinned. "Certainly." He removed his hood to reveal long blue hair, pointed ears, and yellow eyes, with an X shaped scar between them.

The taller one went over to buy some gelato over at a nearby- HEY, wait a minute. Gelato's Italian!

ANYWAY. As the blue haired man (who just HAPPENED to be named Saix) approached the Opera House, he was suddenly mauled by a bunch of badly drawn people, both men and women, adults and children alike. They were waving mini French flags and were wearing berets of all different colors, but mostly black and blue. Each of them were holding a copy of "French Phrases for Dummies".

"SACRE BLEU! WE ARE LE FRENCH!" they screamed, their words coming out in word bubbles in fancy writing. Not to mention at least 20 of them had theirs in a different form of chatspeak than the rest.

Saix was very startled by this, and he summoned his claymore. "Move aside, or I will be forced to kill you."

You thought that Navi was bad? Well, too bad, because she's here again.

"HEY! LISTEN!" she screamed. "YOU CANNOT **KILL** PEOPLE HERE!"

Inside, Andre and Firmin were getting severe migranes from the caps lock and had to be sent to le hospital in le Balonie. Hey, I don't remember what the name of the Balogna place is from French class last year or where the hospitals in France are, nor do I care. Screw you.

Saix was now severely annoyed at the little fairie as well, and was ready to hack her brains out when she suddenly flew over to Xemnas, the tall hooded man from earlier. He was unhooded and happily eating some sea-salt gelato.

"HEY! LISTEN! That's Italian, by the way."

Xemnas didn't care. He raised an eyebrow at her, but continued to eat his Italian food product.

Navi continued with what she was going to say as she poked Xemnas' head. "YOU ARE SIMPLY _MISUNDERSTOOD_. YOU REALLY WANT TO BE LOVED."

Raoul popped out of nowhere as Xemnas burst into tears; he dropped his gelato in the process and started crying even harder.

"Has anyone seen my overcoat?" the Vicomte asked.

----------------

A/N: Wow, any writer's block I had with this vanished on contact. At least it's starting to get funny again.

REVIEW! Or I will-ah, never mind.


	13. A spam fest and Milk

**Already school is all, "OMFG! FNSH AL THSE REPRTS OR UR DED!1" Feh.**

x0o0x

Mike pointed to a random overcoat lying on the ground. "Someone's stripping!"

Amanda cursed under her breath when she saw the initials "RC" embroidered on the front. Her curiosity increased, however, when she flipped it over and noticed the writing on the back, "Aristocrats 02".

"I didn't know Raoul played football. That's-GO THE HELL AWAY!"

She swatted at a Nobody bouncing around her and ended up kitting Kristen in the face.

Erik kicked it, and it writhed and slithered away. "How do we get out of here?"

All eyes turned collectively to Amanda.

"Only if someone creates a portal..."

**Somewhere far, far away...**

Caroline banged on the iron bars of a prison cell. "LET ME OUT! NUUUU!"

"What if I said no?"

"I can't see why Amanda likes you."

The man standing outside the cell tugged at his red hair. "Hmph. Depends. Is she cute?"

Insert weirded out look here.

"...is she?"

Caroline sat down and thought, hard. Then she got an evil grin on her face. She started screaming in an annoying tone...

"WHAT COULD BE MORE ADORABLE THAN A SPAMMING CHILD? WHAT COULD BE MORE ADORABLE THAN A SPAMMING CHILD? WHAT COULD BE MORE ADORABLE THAN A SPAMMING CHILD? WHAT COULD BE MORE ADORABLE THAN A SPAMMING CHILD? WHAT COULD BE MORE ADORABLE THAN A SPAMMING CHILD? WHAT COULD BE MORE ADORABLE THAN A SPAMMING CHILD? WHAT COULD BE MORE ADORABLE THAN A SPAMMING CHILD? WHAT COULD BE MORE ADORABLE THAN A SPAMMING CHILD? WHAT COULD BE MORE ADORABLE THAN A SPAMMING CHILD? WHAT COULD BE MORE ADORABLE THAN A SPAMMING CHILD? WHAT COULD BE MORE ADORABLE THAN A SPAMMING CHILD?"

Sea-green eyes slammed shut in annoyance from her prison-keeper. Then, in an equally annoying voice, he replied...

"A SPAMMING ADULT! A SPAMMING ADULT! A SPAMMING ADULT! A SPAMMING ADULT! A SPAMMING ADULT! A SPAMMING ADULT! A SPAMMING ADULT! A SPAMMING ADULT! A SPAMMING ADULT! A SPAMMING ADULT! A SPAMMING ADULT! A SPAMMING ADULT! A SPAMMING ADULT! A SPAMMING ADULT! A SPAMMING ADULT! A SPAMMING ADULT! A SPAMMING ADULT! A SPAMMING ADULT! A SPAMMING ADULT! A SPAMMING ADULT! A SPAMMING ADULT! A SPAMMING ADULT!"

This went on for hours at a time, and it was pretty damn loud. Cause and effect worked it's wonders, and...

**Back to a neverending passageway!**

Seth's ears twitched. "Do you hear something?"

All stopped to listen. Sure enough, they could clearly hear a spamming fest going on not too far from them. Unfortunately, the passageway was long and perfectly flat so that they could see miles ahead of them, and there was no one inside.

Amanda started running, driven by fangirl insanity as she snatched up Erik's thin wrist and started dragging him along with her, the other teens following along, going, "What? What? WHAT!"

**In the prison room!**

The man threw one of his weapons at the bars, and Caroline jumped back with a loud, "OY!"

"This is getting old, REAL FAST."

At the sound on insane, rabid shouting, his ears twitched, not unlike Seth's, and his eyebrows rose slowly.

**BtaNP!**

Amanda stopped, breathing heavily. She didn't even have the energy to answer questions, and Erik escaped from her tight grasp easily.

"It's...it-it...it's...A-"

A clear whistle sounded through the air. A portal opened up a few moments later, and Amanda squealed, bolting through it.

Kristen rolled her eyes. "Let's just hope it's not Xemnas."

**ItPR!**

The man shouldn't have been standing so close to the portal, because two seconds after he got tackled by a black, blue, and pink blur.

"SEXY!"

**Back in France...**

Saix was mushing through the French n00bs with uncommon ease, his eyes narrowing little by little at their horrible pronunciation, fake accents, and broken sentences infused with vocabulary everyone, even bebiez, knew.

"I suppose that they think they're smart, don't they?"

Finally, he reached the doors, but the Crack Pairings boat, which had now become a MILK! truck that played La Cucaracha when you honked the horn (like now), ran over him, this time driven by Piangi, who was eating a Subway sammich.

------------------

**I drew one of the French n00bs on the back of my French namecard. I need to add the MILK! truck too, now. TwT**

**Does anyone think it's a good idea that I add some reviewers in my story? Too bad, I think so. If you want to be in it, please list your name, appearence/what you're wearing, and something you'd lug around. Putting down people you hate would help too; it can be from PotO and/or KH.**


	14. CAPS LOCK

**Okayz. Anyone who asked to be in the fanfic is in it. :D**

**Sam (aka Sammeh): ErikPhreak**

**Helena: Helena Lenore**

**Kaitlyn: RandomLittleWriter**

xo0o0ox

Somewhere off on a huge rock, a girl in a strange outfit was eating a Nerds Rope while hugging a Jack Skellington plushie.

"Lalala...lalalala...lalala..." She nibbled off a big-ass red Nerd and it fell off, landing with a deciscive plop on her black trenchcoat. "Nu!" Taking off her top hat so that it wouldn't fall off, she picked it up and flung it behind her. The ebil Nerd whizzed out of her fingers and hit a certain silver haired bishie square in the forehead.

-----------------------

"IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" Another reviewer yelled at a life-size Raoul cutout, bracing herself to punch it.

"Oh, yeah, man, you wanna go, you wanna go?"

She flipped her brown hair behind her before laying a huge blow to the cardboard, creating a huge hole where his face used to be.

------------------------

Still meanwhile, another girl had been tossed into a huge cell in the same room as the group of childrens. But she wasn't bored at all because she was flipping through her favorite book, "Inkheart". (I have that book too, but I never read it. ToT)

Amanda was on top of Axel, grinning. "I think I'm going to asplode from all the excitement."

Kristen and Mike started laughing at the same time, while Erik and Seth exchanged looks.

The reviewer in the cell looked up. "Are you going to get me out of here or what?"

Caroline squealed, "WHAT COULD BE MORE ADORABLE THAN YOUR MOM?"

Axel raised an eyebrow at Caroline. "Your dad." His eyes caught the other prisoner. "What the-who are you?"

"Sammeh."

"...Sammeh."

"YES, SAMMEH." She leapt up, pages flying everywhere from well-loved books. "Now I want to get out of here, it smells."

Seth rolled his eyes. "That's the smell of victory, can't you tell?"

Amanda shook her head. "Nowayman, victory smells of corn muffins and soup."

--------------------------

"Screw you, Wonka!" Due to the abnormal amount of Nerds falling off of the rope, she just tossed the whole thing off the side of the cliff and watched it explode into a mushroom **_cloud_** below her. "WOOOO."

"CLOUD? OMG I HAVE TO GO TORMENT HIM AT BURGER KING NAOW."

She turned at the sound of the smexy (chicken tenders) voice and squealed. "SEPHY!"

Sephiroth yelled and sprinted out of the Dark Depths as fast as his winged legs would take him. (I do that...when...people start yelling behind me. I squeal and run to the nearest exit because I'm startled. It's pretty funny.)

"FWEE! WAIT UP!"

----------------------------

So Kaitlyn, who was done tormenting her Raoul cutout, decided to walk into the cell where a (now very massive) amount of people were standing. "Ehmagod. People."

Amanda fell over. "I'VE LOST TRACK OF THE CANON."

"What?" Sammeh asked, looking up from a Harry Potter book.

"The canon! The original storyline. I might as well label this an AU now because NONE OF IT MAKES SENSE."

Mike muttered something along the lines of, "Your mom doesn't make sense..."

Erik was now very much confused and went off into a corner to be emo. Zexion followed soon after.

-_boop_-

The original group of four, along with the grand total of three reviewers AND Caroline, were standing in front of the Opera House. A collective "WTF?" was heard among the childrens.

Amanda grinned. "I was heading toward a dead end with the KH crossover. If I didn't get us back here, we were going to start seeing flying cheese, pigs in a blanket, and Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch."

Helena, the girl who had been chasing Sephy out of the Dark Depths, was now crying. "I WAS SO CLOSE! SO CLOSE! I could've had SEPHIROTH, the king of ebil, along with the very sexy protagonist Sora (Sephora...I just thought of that. xDDD) in mah hands!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIIII?" Caroline screamed.

Seth wiped spit off his face. "That was obnoxious." Caroline nodded.

Kristen muttered something along the lines of, "Your mom is obnoxious," followed by, "You were ponie pwned. What now?"

Erik was nowhere to be seen.

"WHERE DID HE GO," Kaitlyn asked, holding the caps lock button on her computer. It snapped. "OOPS."

"At least it's not bubble gum font, CAROLINE," Amanda said as she turned slowly toward Caroline.

"IT'S NOT BUBBLE GUM, IT'S LIMONADA!"

"WHY ARE WE SPEAKING IN CAPS LOCK?" SETH YELLED.

"That's obnoxious times two," Erik's voice floated toward them. Navi was surfing on the sound waves, but Caroline reached out a hand and grabbed her.

"Listen, you ball of fluff, go torment Kadaj or something."

"Meef. Okay."

Helena banged her head against the gelato cart while the Italian man ran away, screaming something in Chinese. "NO. KADAJ IS SEPHIROTH."

Mike AND Kristen muttered something along the lines of, "Your mom is Sephiroth,", but got whacked in the head by Seth.

"Shouldn't we be following Erik?"

-----------------------------

**No, really, I've lost track of the canon. That's really sad.**

**It's there, I just need to look for it.**


	15. Masquerade Funtime

**Wow, updates are taking longer than usual.**

**Kristen and I are sharing a manga. I finish a volume, she borrows it. She's a little annoyed at the amount of time it takes me to finish one book, though. XP**

**Anyway, the reviewers are going to be in the next chapter since they aren't here. Just reviewers, none of the main characters. Well...maybe some.**

xo0o0ox

"Home sweet home!" Kristen yelled, bellyflopping onto the couch.

Mike looked around as he booted up the computer. "Where's Erik?"

"IN YOUR PANTS!"

Erik came out, bearing a few sammiches and glasses of water. "Amanda, that's vulgar and rude and should never be spoken again."

Amanda took one of the little bread bombs. "Ok, Mansex.

"XEMNAS IS A SEXY MAMA!" Kristen yelled again.

-------------------------

"How much longer?"

"SHH!"

"Mike, get OFF ME!"

"Guys, shut up!"

The four kids, all dressed as the Knights of Ni on the night of the Masquerade, were running around the back corridors of the Opera House. No, not the secret corridors. They didn't want to ruin their blankies.

"What are we looking for, anyway?" Seth hissed from under his purple blankie.

"Your mom."

Amanda peeked around a corner with Kristen. "Mike, that's vulgar and rude and should never be spoken again."

"Your mom is vulgar and rude. OH!"

Kristen turned around and shushed him. "STFU! Here, let's get them."

They all walked out, their blankets dragging along the floor, making them look like little marshmallows. Mmmmm...marshmallows.

"We are the Knights who say..."

"YOUR MOM!" they all screamed.

Silence.

"...YOUR MOM!" Mike yelled.

Silence.

Everyone in the room was staring at them. A bead of sweat ran down Amanda's temple.

_Think of something, quick!_

She stepped forward and cleared her throat.

"...BLALALAGUGLALALA!"  
A few people backed up. Amanda sniffed and cleared her throat again, raising her hands in a menacing fashion.

"...BLALALALALALAALAGAGAGAGAGALA! Balala, Blagaglalala."

Now people started to whisper among themselves as the remaining knights snickered. Somewhere behind the main room, Erik slapped his forehead with one hand.

"SblahblalalalaBLALALALA. Blagagla."

_What is she thinking?_ Erik thought as he peeked around the corner to see people fleeing for their lives as Amanda continued to throw out random gibberish, her companions joining her.

"Hahaha. Hahahahaha." Amanda backed up and smiled, grabbing some cheese off the food table. "EW. THIS CHEESE TASTES LIKE BIRD CRAP." She threw it at a guy dressed as Batman.

Remember the gelato man? Yes, the bilingual one?

Currently he was screaming, "POSER!" in some form of...Spanish German...

"Sure, buddy," Seth called to him. He cursed in Portugese before running off to go sell gelato to some scared childrens.

------------------------------

**Short update.**

**Lol.**

**I can't remember where the gibberish came from, but I saw it in a few funny parodies on YouTube, so I put it in there.**


	16. OMG REVWRS!

**My computer is actually functional, with double the harddrive space and a clean slate. OMG RLY?**

**OMG YES!**

**I'm pretty happy.**

xo0o0ox

Helena waved her hands in the air. "WE'RE LOST."

"We are NOT," Sammeh gasped, looking up from a book right before she ran into a wall by mistake. "UGH, WAS CARELESS!"

Kaitlyn stared at the street signs, her mouth wide open. Drool started to sneak out as she thought, _OMG FRENCH? OMG NOE!_

Hey, OMG seems to be the word of the day. Actually, it's three. But OMG goes in the dictionary as two words. Sue me.

"Can anyone read French?" Kaitlyn asked, pointing to the street sign while Sammeh and Helena went over to gape and drool at it too.

It read, "Rue Ton Visage."

"...Nope!" The two exclaimed cheerily.

Kaitlyn hung her head. "Great, we're lost."

Suddenly, Mickey Mouse dropped down from a nearby ;3 tree.

"You're not lost! Don't lose sight of the light!" he exclaimed cheerily.

"OK!" All three reviewers locked arms and skipped off into the sunset, singing some Disney songs.

**Amanda, the writer and linguistic genius, sat back and stared at what she just wrote. "Oh, frick, no way in THIS HELL, THIS HEAVEN, ALL THE WORLDS IN KINGDOM HEARTS, AND THE TWO WORLDS OF SYLVARANT AND TETHE'ALLA DID I JUST WRITE THAT." She backspaced what was on the page and tried again.**

Suddenly, Mickey Mouse dropped down from a nearby ;3 tree.

"You're not lost! Don't lose sight of the light!" he exclaimed cheerily!

Helena screamed, picked him up, and pushed him down a storm drain so he could go somewhere in China.

**Much better!**

"Why'd you do that?" Kaitlyn whimpered. "I lurve Disney!"

"I do too, just not Mickey! He's too happy!"

Sammeh handed them both "Disney for Dummies" and continued to walk down the street. "Come ON, you guys, we need to get someone who knows French!"

Helena and Kaitlyn stared at each other for a while.

"..."

"..."

Suddenly, Sammeh ran back. All three of them screamed, "THE GELATO MAN!"

-----------------

Meanwhile, Mr. Gelato Man was happily selling some ice cream to a girl who looked like something out of an anime. She had long hair that seemed to be of navy color and purple eyes that caught the sunlight and seemed to reflect purple onto the sidewalks. She wore a schoolgirl uniform, getting some stares from men passing by and gasps from women at the OMG SLIGHT NUDITY NOT REALLY OMG NOE?

"Thanks!" she said in Japanese. Mr. GM waved and replied, "Have a nice day," in the same language.

The girl (name is Nikira, btw) turned, only to be run over by a herd of fanfic-deprived girls. "Do you know French, buddy?!" they all screamed at once at MGM.

OMG! MGM! XD! Ok.

MGM shrugged. "Que?"

They stared.

And stared.

And stared.

Nikira popped up again and said, "He doesn't know English, French, or Italian, but he knows everything else."

"Then what's the point of that?" Sammeh yelled, hucking a book at a nearby Frenchman.

And the Frenchman screamed, "AH! MON VISAGE! LE FANTOME DE L'OPERA A LA RUE SCRIBE!" before running away. (Notice how he said "Scribe" in English...sketchy.)

Again, the awkward silence descended on the three, now including Nikira and MGM.

After a while, Helena said, "He's at the Rue Scribe, where we are now."

Sammeh and Kaitlyn screamed, "IF YOU KNEW FRENCH, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?"

Helena did shifty eyes.

xo0o0ox

**Yay, something that contained at least some rational humor. And it's an ok size, too!**


	17. Some Nonsense

**WHEE.**

**Cookie to anyone who can actually figure out the little French sentences and crap I decide to dump in here randomly.**

xo0o0ox

Mike was sleeping peacefully, but soon he was tackled by the other three kids, all of them screaming, "WAKE UP!"

"DAMMIT! I want COFFEE!" Mike stalked off to find some coffee while Amanda ran aroudn the room, screaming some nonsense about the end of the world, National Geographic, and baking chocolate.

"Are you ok, Amanda?" Kristen asked, her eyes getting big as she backed against the wall slowly. Seth joined her, the same expression on his face.

"MOTHER! J-E-N-O-V-A! COMMIT IT TO MEMORY!" Amanda screamed, holding down the caps lock button.

---------------------

Meanwhile, the four reviewers were getting lost in the underground caverns.

"I'm really freaking out at all this," Kaitlyn said, pointing fearfully at the security cameras. On them in red letters were the words, "Take one step and you die."

"Those are lasers in disguise! Does nobody understand ANYTHING?" Sammeh said as Helena and Nikira did the Cotton Eyed Joe in unison to see if you really did die if you took one step or more.

MGM happened to be selling farther down the corridor to a bunny whose name was Jimmy, so they asked him for more directions. Nikira asked in Japanese again, and she said that he said that his mom said that his third cousin twice removed said that the Phantom said to Christine who said to the ballet rats who spread it around and it reached CNN who told the President of the US who told the world's leaders that there was no way out of this corridor, except through the...

"NO!"

"NO!"

"NO!"

All four of the reviewers screamed and hid under a table that appeared out of nowhere and had the owO face on it.

"NOT THE PERFUME SECTION!"

------------------------

Christine's ears perked up at the mention of perfume.

"Did someone say...shopping?"

Raoul looked up from "How Not to Be an Idiot". "Um...Lotte, I didn't hear anything..."

"DID SOMEONE SAY LATTE?"

Immediately Christine was tackled by Mike, who was screaming some nonsense about lattes, Dunkin Donuts, and Dan stealing bagels. One word (or rather, three) were very clear: "I WANT COFFEE!"

"She doesn't have coffee!" Raoul said, hucking the book at Mike. He screamed like Gollum and hurled the book back at Raoul, and they proceeded to have a book hucking fight.

-------------------------

Sammeh suddenly ran out from under the owO table.

"Sammeh?" Helena asked cautiously, starting to emerge from under the protective chatspeak-adorned table. She was immediately shoved under by Kaityln and Nikira, the latter screaming some nonsense about cheese, Inuyasha stripping, and Giorgio Armani.

"There's a book-hucking festival going on outside of this corridor! Hurry!"

The rest of them tried to keep up with Sammeh's quick pace, but failed.

There is no stopping a book freak. Ever.

xo0o0ox

**Yay for random nonsense!**

**Wow, I'm on an updating spree today...even if my creativity is running obnoxiously short.**


	18. Mmm, veggies!

**Anyway, here we go, an update...**

xo0o0ox

Mike and Raoul were starting to really get into it when Sammeh ran out from a hidden trapdoor, followed by the other reviewers, and snatched the book out of midair.

"No! Books are not for throwing! No throwy!" She started to stroke the book. "There, there, Raine. The scary people have gone now. Don't cry..."

Amanda, who had appeared from another trapdoor, whispered to Kaitlyn, "Has she even played Tales of Symphonia?", to which Kaitlyn shrugged out of desperation.

Erik slid down from a rope. He stood next to Christine, staring at her intenstly, and was just starting to intimidate her when he suddenly started hopping from foot to foot, waving his hands. "ROPE BURN! Ah, dammit!"

Mike, as well as Seth- HOLY SHIT IT'S SNOWING OUTSIDE YOU GUYS! YES! NO MORE GLOBAL WARMING CHRISTMAS! ZOMG!

Ahem. Anyway.

Mike, as well as Seth, had now gotten their coffees from Jimmy the mystical Dunkin Donuts bunny, and were very happy. Kristen had to keep whacking Seth with a brick to make sure he didn't go into Gollum mode again.

Amanda gaspethed and pointed to the front of the stage, where a microphone sat. (That's so wrong, they didn't even exist yet!) "LOOK! MICROPHONE!"

She ran over to it before they could react and started to belt out the lyrics to The I Love You Song from The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. (HOMG, I'm actually listening to it now! I LOVE THAT MUSICAL, almost as much as Phantom!) "IIIIIIII LOOOOVE YOU! IIIIIIIII LOOOOVE YOU! I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU, DEAR..."

All of the reviewers soon joined her, singing to the song even though they probably didn't even know it. Suddenly, all of the Opera House cleaners and cast ran out and started to sing along to it too. Mike and Seth, confused from the coffee that was spiked with too much sugar by Jimmy the mystical and evil Dunkin Donuts bunny, ran over and started singing drunkenly to it too...

Before any of the main characters of Phantom could think, confetti started exploding from the boxes flanking the stage, and balloons came out of even MORE trapdoors on the ceiling, littering the seats.

"CUT! CUT!" Some snooty director guy ran out and waved his arms. "Too unorganized, too loud! Goddammiteveryone, please, get in places! Take it-"

He was quickly shot down by Jimmy the mystical, evil, and military Dunkin Donuts bunny. Everyone saluted, and JTMEMDDB saluted back, saying in a deep voice, "Eat yer veggies, kids!"

"Yes, sir!" All the reviewers screamed, looking over at Christine with a hungry look.

Christine blinked. "What?"

Erik realized what was going on and shielded Christine. Raoul, always a little slow to things, guarded her too. "No! You can't eat her!"

"Why not?" Seth asked drunkenly, already handing out plastic forks and knives to everyone available.

"Because...she's not a vegetable!"

Amanda nodded. "Sure, but she lives in a vegetable like state 'cause she's such a dumbass!" This was met by many "yeah"'s from the reviewers, kids, and cast alike.

Raoul and Erik exchanged looks. "They do have a point," Christine whispered cheerfully to them from where they stood.

Erik shook his head. "Indeed, but you aren't stupid, Christine, you're...uh..."

"Naive!" Raoul exclaimed cheerfully.

"Thank you, idiot."

"You're welcome!"


	19. Hungry, Hungry Childrens

**-dances around- Crappy update, but whatever.**

xo0o0ox

"I don't care, I want FOOD," Kristen screamed, starting to nibble on her plastic fork.

"Me too," all of the reviewers, except Sammeh, shouted. Sammeh was too busy nurturing the thrown around book and calling the nonexistant 911 on a toy phone to join in the almost feeding frenzy.

She whacked the colorful buttons on the phone. "WHERE IS 911. THIS BOOK NEEDS HELP." She pushed 9.

"Help me count to ten!" said the phone.

She whacked 1.

"You are a little whore."

She whacked 1 again.

"I smoke crack! Ohhhh..."

"STUPID FURBY PHONE."

Meanwhile, Erik and Raoul were still trying to defend Christine while Amanda explained the physics of comas and brain-dead states to them.

"And then all of the brain's neurocenters shut down and- GUYS, HEY!" She ran over and pushed a drooling Kristen, Seth and Mike farther away from the frightened Christine. "Wait until I'm done! If I win the argument, then she's all yours!"

"But we're hungry!" Mike whined.

Fishing in her pocket, Amanda unfolded a scrap piece of paper, glanced at it, and then handed it to Mike. "Then here. Have a Vayne."

It was a picture of Vayne from Final Fantasy XII, with a red mustache, beard, and eyepatch drawn on crappily. The words "Eat me, I taste like chicken," were hovering above his head in a speech bubble.

"CHICKEN," Seth shouted, taking the Vayne and eating it before anyone else could. "He's wrong. He tastes like beef."

Raoul shrugged. "Ok, that's one..."

"SHUT UP, FLOWERBOY."

"Don't call me FlowerBoy!"

"Oh, my mistake. Hey, You, shut up."

Erik snickered. "Looks like you have a new nickname, sir."

"I do not!"

No one had noticed that Christine had snuck away towards her dressing room...except Helena.

"ZOMG, runaway Christine!" she yelled, only getting the attention of Nikira since Sammeh was busying herself with beating up the toy phone and Kaitlyn was interviewing the confetti to find out as to why it had fallen randomly.

"Ah, just leave her. Confetti tastes better," she said, stuffing a handful of confetti into Helena's mouth to calm her down.

"Munch? ...," said Helena, chewing on the colored pieces of paper. "Mmmm, you're right! It tastes like old school!"

Erik was the second one to notice that Christine was gone. He quickly pulled a bag over his head, yanked a black ball out of his pocket, and disappeared in a cloud of purple smoke, ninja style.

Raoul tried to disappear in a cloud of smoke too, but he only succeded in burning his foot and breaking a gas lamp. There was an awkward silence as everyone stared at him, caught mid-pose in whatever they were doing, whether it was fighting over Vayne, breaking a toy phone, or eating/interrogating confetti.

"...we should go home now."

There were mutters of, "Yeah," and, "I guess," as everyone went their seperate ways...or not so seperate. Everyone went through the trapdoor leading to Erik's house on the lake, leaving Raoul by himself.

The snooty director appeared out of nowhere again, a visible bullet hole in his chest. "Hey, this is perfect! I can see it now...a-"

"SHUT UP, FLOWERBOY."

"...ok."


	20. One Crazy Night

**I haven't updated in a while. Fufufu.**

**After looking through the original book, I realized we have like, what, 5-8 chapters till the end? NOOOO oh well.**

xo0o0ox

Much to everyone's (and I'm sure yours too) surprise, everything was quiet over the next few- oh, wait, no. Christine was abducted. Again.

SO THE KIDS AND REVIEWERS WERE WATCHING THE PLAY FROM THE BALCONY, right? And all of them were covering their ears, some of them even going so far as to pretend to be dying.

"My liiiiiiife! It's over!" Kaitlyn and Amanda whined in unison, rolling around on the floor while Sammeh rolled her eyes and read "How to Die Like a REAL MAN for Dummies". Helena was too busy singing some funeral hymn while Nikira said wedding prayers in Japanese. WTF.

Kristen sprinked sparkling water on them while Seth pretended to be a priest. "Do you accept the church of God and Man and Satan alike?!"

Amanda stopped rolling around while Mike grabbed the water from Kristen and chugged it. "What the hell?"

"BETTER SAY IT NOW, YOU'RE GOING TO DIE ANYWAY."

Kaitlyn raised her hand. "A-hem!"

Helena stopped singing. "Shouldn't we be watching the play?"

"No!" everyone yelled. Except Sammeh. She was too busy reading about how you should use your "death" as an excuse to gain free cash.

"...ok."

Suddenly, the lights in the Opera House went out.

"OH-EM-GEE!" all the females yelled. The males just screamed like idiots and started to run, only succeding in bumping into each other and, therefore, cursing like crazy.

The lights came on really quickly, though, and the announcer guy from the movies started talking over the loudspeakers. Who gives a shit where the loudspeakers came from. "We pardon the interruption, French pplz. We simply had a power surge and- oh my JESUS EVERYONE look at the stage! Your crazy bimbo singer lady is gone!"

Of course, everyone looked at the stage, where the nonexistant Christine stood. Or, rather, didn't stand. Whatever!

"OH-EM-GEE!" everyone, this time including males, screamed.

"Wait!" Mike said. "She's gone!"

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

"...except she's probably with Erik." Amanda said quietly.

"SHIT!"

-------------------

Backstage, everyone was having a ball trying to figure out where Christine is. While the four kids decided to go stalk Raoul and generally harass him even more, the reviewers interviewed everyone backstage.

_-beep- Hello and welcome to Paris News At Nine O' Clock Eastern Time. Or PNANOCET if you would like a shorter title. Today we are interviewing some crazy actors and actresses with no life on the disappearence of the crazy Barbie Girl wannabe, Christine Daae._

"I don't know, she just vanished into thin air! I think it was that jealous Carlotta!" said some shirtless guy with gold on his face.

"WE think it was the Opera Ghost!" some ballet rats giggled. The camera jiggled a bit as Nikira the camera girl shook her head in disgust.

"I believe it was your mother, good sir," said some stuck-up theater-goer who had backstage passes.

-the camera turns to Sammeh and Helena, the interviewers. "That's our show for tonight," Sammeh said cheerfully. "Helena?" Kaitlyn said, reaching forward to wipe a speck of dust off the camera lens.

-camera goes to Helena in a suit, shuffling some papers on a desk-

_Thank you, ladiez. Now we will spell nifty in Chinese, after a word from our sponsers._

-fade-out to commercial-

"Do YOU want to cut your own arm off?!" said some cheesy business-guy.

-------------------

"He doesn't give up, does he," Amanda mumbled. Mike nodded in agreement to her statement.

"Nopers, Mandala," Kristen sighed.

"Oh, well. Let's go find the Persian."

"Let's," Seth said in an English accent.


	21. The Torture Chamber: Part UNO

**Please spell "telephone". :O**

xo0o0ox

By now everyone was getting pretty tired of hearing the same Dane Cook rants over and over on Mike's iPod, except, of course, for Amanda and Mike.

"LARGE FRY, MUTHAFUCKA," both of them yelled.

Kristen did a facepalm. "Come on, guys. Let's have silence now."

Seth gasped. "Kristen being rational?!"

"Yes, Seth. Kristen being rational."

Suddenly Amanda stopped everyone. "Oh jeezy-weezy. I think we have ourselves another reviewer."

Kaitlyn, Helena, Sammeh, and Nikira all facepalmed themselves. The term "wannabe" was thrown around a lot amongst themselves, but was quickly silenced by Amanda's frantic gibberish and arm-waving.

Silence descended. A tumbleweed rolled by. Some fly tried to buzz by, but Seth caught it, threw it on the ground and stomped on it, all the while not taking his eyes off of where the other pplz were looking.

"Whaddaya MEAN this isn't the movie?!" a female's voice yelled. Amanda nodded to the rest of the group and smiled cheesily.

"Wh-what movie?" Raoul's voice answered slowly.

"This sucks! I'm leaving!" Stomping footsteps came down the adjacent hallway, coming closer...closer...closer...closer...

_Five hours later..._

"Closer...closer...closer..."

"SHUT UP!" the other three kids and all four reviewers yelled at Amanda.

The reviewer in question finally turned the corner and stopped. "Buh? Modern day people?" She blinked.

----------------------

It turns out that the reviewer's name was Sarah, and she was a frantic Gerik fan, not exactly caring for the book. Why Raoul was in the labyrinthian corridors still remained to be explained by Amanda, and she kept saying that it was a surprise.

Suddenly the floor gave way beneath them and they fell into a dark room, where two other people stood around.

"Well, what have we here?" some guy in an Indian accent said.

While Mike screamed something about Asia, Raoul tried to reason with the bloodthirsty reviewers. "But...but...we were just here..."

"That's what SHE said!" Sammeh yelled.

"...what?"

"SHUTYOURMOUTHBEHINDTHEREORISWEARTOGODIWILLKILLYOUALL!" Christine's voice yelled from the other side of the wall. Everything went silent; no one expected for Christine to actually have a violent, crazy side.

"...Christine-chan?" Raoul asked meekly.

"Raoul?"

"Christine-chan!"

"RAOUL!"

"Christine-chan!"

"RAOUUUUUUUUUUL!"

Nikira suddenly assumed a ninja position. "OWAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

The silence descended again, this time an awkward one. Nikira shrugged and sat down.

Meanwhile, the four kids and the newly-found Sarah were straining to hear if Erik was returning, on orders from Amanda. "Geez, where did he GO?" Sarah mumbled.

**Meanwhile, at Disney World...**

Erik sipped a frozen lemonade and looked at a building. "What the- may I ask what kind of drug caused these bears to get up and dance?"


	22. The Torture Chamber: Part DOS

**Oh noes. Intermission stole SMU's place as top reviewed.**

xo0o0ox

So Erik decided that joy-filled Disney crack was not for him (Remember KH2?) and returned to Paris.

Christine started to hyperventilate. "He's coming this way!"

All of the reviewers and Amanda started to cheer, but the Persian threw nonexistant rocks at them and they all shut up in time. The sound of a door creaking open leaked through the mirrored walls of the torture chamber.

"God damn mice...Christine, there you are!"

Amanda and Kristen started to sing, "I know you've been waiting, but I've been off making babies," under their breath, but again, nonexistant rocks and Mike's iPod were thrown at them.

"MY IPOD!" Mike screamed, but covered his mouth quickly. Seth gasped dramatically and pointed at him, but it didn't help with keeping them undercover AT ALL. AT ALL, I say.

Everything was silent on Erik and Christine's side, until suddenly Helena shouted, "It's just mice!"

Christine gulped. "See, Erik? Just mice."

Erik still didn't say anything.

"Awkward," Kaitlyn hissed to Sammeh, "Pass it on."

"Awkward," Sammeh hissed to Sarah, "Pass it on."

"Awkward," Sarah hissed to Nikira, "Pass it on."

"Awkward," Nikira hissed to Helena, "Pass it on."

"Awkward," Helena whispered to Amanda, "Pass it on."

"AWKWARD!" Amanda screamed. "DO I WIN TELEPHONE NOW?!"

"That wasn't telephone!" everyone screamed back.

"OOPS!"

Suddenly there was a thump on the wall near where Christine was. She started to whisper frantically back to them.

"He left! He's out for blood!"

"A type, B type, O type, or other?" Seth asked.

"It doesn't matter!" Raoul said nervously. "He's out for blood, and that's all that matters!"

"Or maybe he just went out for McDonald's," Kristen said slowly.

"Or KFC," Mike said back.

"THERE ARE NO AMERICAN FAST FOOD COMPANIES IN THE NINETEENTH CENTURY!" the Persian yelled at them, easily shutting everyone up again.

Kristen threw up her hands. "Well, GOD, it was just a suggestion!" she whispered.

"Nice guess," Christine whis-

"Christine, I cannot find those children and their friends. But no matter! I have you now!"

Amanda started to giggle, but Raoul covered her mouth and her giggles were reduced to muffled squeaks of discontent.

Erik then proceeded to talk about what the two of them would do if they were to be married, including getting senior discount health insurance and suing Tiger Woods for millions of dollars. Then they would buy a huge house and a Lamborghini Gallardo and just kick it like Tae-Bo every day.

"And possibly bend her over?" Mike commented snidely. Unfortunately, the Persian was out of nonexistant rocks to throw, but more fortunately, Erik didn't hear his perverted comment.

"You don't love me! You don't love me! You don't love me!"

Seth wanted to steal one of the nonexistant rocks to throw at Erik to make him stop screaming, but unfortunately they were all gone. "Shit."

There was a long silence, which Erik broke quietly.

"Why are you crying? You know it pains me to see you cry!"

Suddenly, the doorbell rang.

Kristen pointed at the Persian, mouthing, "I TOLD YOU THERE ARE AMERICAN FAST FOOD COMPANIES IN THE NINETEENTH CENTURY! THAT'S DOMINOES RIGHT NOW!"

Erik left to go get his pizza, while Christine started to talk again.

"I tried to kill myself, you know."

Raoul started crying, but everyone was cheering loudly. The Persian discovered thin air is a much better projectile that nonexistant rocks, and he shoved some into their mouths to keep them all quiet.

"No, he's coming back again! Hush!"

Erik's footsteps dragged back to the room, and Christine screamed really loudly, to which he said, "Fool! He chose the wrong door! But the Siren ate him for breakfast, it did!"

"What, is this Pirates of the Carribbean now?" Amanda hissed.

"...why did you scream out?"

"My bonds hurt me."

"I thought I scared you."

"You did," all four kids said, but Sammeh whacked them on the head with a book.

Erik then went on another rant, this time with Christine. Eventually he DID untie her, but first she had to that thing with her hands where they're linked together by their fingers and then you put them behind your back and they're unhooked, like in Spongebob. It was so cool he eventually did release her.

"Hurting you alone deserves death...speaking of death, I must sing his Requiem!"

"Whose Requiem?" Nikira asked as Erik began to sing Dies Irae and all of the kids started to sing Fergalicious in tune to it, "The Dominoes pizza guy's, or the Gelato Man's?"

"Why the Gelato Man?" Sarah asked. "He gave me a free coupon!"

"He's so fat he'll die of a heart attack one-"

Suddenly, the piano stopped, and everything fell silent. A tumbleweed rolled by.

"...what have you done with my bag?!"


	23. The Torture Chamber: Part THAT'S RACIST!

**Almost doooooone.**

xo0o0ox

"What have you done with my bag?! So it was to take my bag that you asked me to release you!"

There was a chase scene behind the wall, to which everyone listened to Erik getting so, so, so pissed at the fact that Christine took his lunchbox, which contained some Gushers and a PBJ sammich and some-

"You're making me hungry!" Kristen whined at Amanda.

"Fine!" Amanda crossed her arms and emoed at the fact that they hadn't eaten food in a while and were clearly very hungry. "Besides, it's only a couple keys in there."

"That open what?" Raoul asked.

"Your mom!" all the kids screamed in unison, giggling at the clear pervertedness of that statement, while Sarah explained about the (very much dreaded) scorpion and grasshopper. For those of you that don't know, it's something Erik made up in his messed-up little mind that decided Christine's fate. If she turned the scorpion, she got to live with Erik in a very cheap Smack That knockoff. Happily ever after.

If she turned the grasshopper, the Opera House and a quarter of Paris would go KABOOM like BULLSCAT!

At the kids' school, Shlegal Bagel the Principal of Everything Pink and Fluffy blew up.

Wait. We're not at this point in the plot yet.

"So STFU," said the Persian.

Suddenly, Christine cried out in pain, showing that Erik had retreived his lunchbox.

When he heard the squeal, Raoul yelled angrily.

"I said STFU!" hissed the Persian.

"Yeaaaaaaah," said all the reviewers like those kids in Lilo and Stitch.

"Did you hear something, Christine?"

"Crap," said the kids.

"No, I didn't."

"I thought I heard a cry."

"Are you going mad, Erik? I didn't here anything."

"Maybe I am- no, wait. I didn't like the way you said that! You're trembling...you're quite- YOU'RE LYING. LIAR!"

"That's racist!" Seth and Mike said randomly. Everyone stared at them before going back to listening to Erik.

While Erik yelled at Christine, Kaitlyn, Helena, and Nikira decided to go a-splorin' the torture chamber. It was still dark, mind you, but they could see that it was this little room, covered in mirrors.

Suddenly Helena ran into a pole. "AAAAGH, holy crap! What's that?!"

"A pole," Kaitlyn said matter-of-factly. "With a rope."

"ROPE!" screamed Kristen.

Erik quickly said, "Ah, hear that, Christine? Someone's in the torture chamber!"

"No, I didn't hear anything. Did the frozen lemonade get to your head?"

"Of course it didn't! Stop fibbing, Christine, there's someone there!" There was a pause. "Are you afraid of the dark?"

"No- I mean, hell yes! Why?"

"Because of this!"

Quickly the lights in the torture chamber turned on, and light started to reflect off everything: the mirrors, the pole, your mom, the Persian, Mike's iPod, Kristen's earrings...

Amanda squealed. "DON'T LOOK, I'M NAKED!"

She was clothed, of course, but everyone turned to look at her anyway because humans are perverted. Go on, try that at your school or work. Everyone will look at you-

"That's racist!" Seth and Mike screamed again.

Nikira noticed that light was reflecting off something, and she looked down.

"Ooh, a switch! Check this shit out, mofos!"

She pressed a little black nail that was sitting on the floor by the metal pole I MEAN TREE. A door in the floor opened. That rhymed.

"Ah, we'll find our 'something fun' in there!" Amanda said in a Jade voice, straightening her glasses in a Jade-like fashion. Surprisingly, Erik said the same thing at the same time.

"Did someone mimic me?" he asked no one in particular.

"NO," everyone said in unison. Raoul facepalmed himself and the Persian had to resort to making bird sounds to keep himself sane.

"That's what I thought. Now, Christine, go peep in the little window."

"I like Peeps."

"JUST PEEP IN THE MOTHERFUCKING WINDOW, CHRISTINE!" Amanda screamed.

So she did. Everyone desperately looked around for her face, but didn't see her. Meanwhile, Kaitlyn, Helena, and Nikira ran down to see what was in the little trapdoor room.

"There's no one in there, Erik!"

"You sure?"

"Positive! I do see a forest, though."

"What's in a forest?"

"Your mom- I mean, trees."

"What's in trees?"

"Birds."

"See any birds?"

"No, but I hear one."

The Persian seemed to shrink as he stopped his bird sounds sheepishly.

"But there are no birds in there, Erik."

"Well, think! You saw branches, didn't you? LOOK! There's a gibbet!"

"What's a gibbet?" Kristen mumbled to Mike, to which he replied, "Your face."

"...I'm getting bored, Erik."

"Want me to do some card tricks?"

"No..."

But Erik had already started.

---------------------------------

Kaitlyn pointed. "Look! Barrels!"

"Way to state the obvious," Nikira mumbled, trying to crack open a barrel.

Helena popped up from behind it. "It's useless, I tried. I can't open any of these."

Kaitlyn paced around. "Think, guys! There MUST be a way to get all of these open! Is there a sharp object around, anywhere?"

Everyone fished around in their pockets. Eventually Nikira found a kunai, and she held it up. "We can use this."

"PERFECT!"

Helena grabbed the knife and proceeded to mutilate the closest barrel. Nikira magically produced two more kunai, and Kaitlyn and her mutilated the last few barrels.

There was a crack.

"There's powder in here!"

----------------------------------

"I wish he would stop!" Raoul whined, on the verge of tears. OOCly.

Erik was saying random things while being a ventriloquist at the same time. Can you imagine how annoying that would be? Someone just saying random stuff with his voice going every which way? Anyway, he mimicked the kids, which got them very angry and made them start pounding on the walls.

Ever notice how Erik doesn't notice them behind the wall, or doesn't seem to? But I digress.

Kaitlyn's head popped over the side of the trapdoor. "Guys, there's lots of black powder down here!"

"THAT'S RACIST!" Seth and Mike screamed again, frustrated.

Ignoring them, Sammeh went over and grabbed some of the powder from Kaitlyn's outstretched hand, rubbing it in between her fingers. "Hmmm...this looks like gunpowder.

"WHAT IN GOD'S NAME?!" Raoul and the Persian screamed fearfully. Now Raoul really started bawling his eyes out, but quietly so that Erik wouldn't hear.

Sarah shrugged. "That's ok. But as long as Christine doesn't turn the grasshopper.

"Haha, watch her turn it," Kristen mumbled absentmindedly, looking through Mike's iPod.


	24. The End

**OMG**

**LAST CHAPTER**

**AGALAGALALGALA**

**YOU GUYS LOVED THIS ONE SO MUCH AND SO DID I!**

**I'LL MISS ALL THE REVIEWERS! D:**

**THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR STICKING BY THIS ONE, GUYS! IT'S BEEN FUN!**

**And if anyone of the original SMU cast is reading this...Kristen, Seth, Mike...Erik?no not Erik...**

**...I'm so sorry for mutilating you guys! -hides face in shame- 'Specially you, Seth. I had a BALL with you, didn't I. Hehe.**

**But thanks for not saying anything about it, guys.**

xo0o0ox

11 O' Clock tomorrow evening.

That was just the talk of the town.

Well. Talk of the torture chamber, I suppose. TORTURE CHAMBER FOREVER MOFOS. -gang sign here-

11 O' Clock tomorrow evening.

That was all Christine was talking about for the next few days as Raoul and the Persian went crazy without food or water and the reviewers and kids subsisted on protein bars that Kristen just HAPPENED to pickpocket from Taylor back home. Conspiracy.

Finally, Christine talked.

"Raoul! Raoul!"

Raoul suddenly sprang up from the ground. "TALKING MONKEYS?! WHAT IN GOD'S NAME!"

"You fell asleep, smart one," Kaitlyn snickered.

Sammeh sprung up from the ground, having fallen asleep. "WHAT ABOUT MY MOTHER?!"

"Enough!" Christine cried. "Erik's going insane!"

"As if that didn't happen already," the four kids mumbled at once, followed by Seth laughing, "That was unanimous!" Did I spell that right? Whatever.

"No, I mean it!"

"What time is it, Christine?" Helena asked. "It just might be lunchtime."

"No! It's eleven o' clock, all but five minutes!"

"SHIT!" screamed Amanda. "WE WILL MISS THE DINNER PARTAY!"

"Food?" Mike asked, curious.

"...yes, food..."

"Food," Kristen drooled.

"This is going nowhere!" screamed the Persian. "Where are you, Christine?"

"By the scorpion."

"Don't touch it!" shouted Raoul, still delerious.

"You're totally screwing up the canon," Sarah whispered to Amanda.

"Pssh. I don't care," Amanda said.

"Don't touch the scorpion!" said the Persian, worried even though he didn't really know who Christine was.

"Wait...quiet! Here he comes!"

There were some angry footsteps, but no words.

"Can we get out of here?" Kristen asked. "You like us, right?"

"No," Erik replied coldly, "You will only..."

"...screw things up?" Mike offered.

"Yes, that...Christine, are you alright?"

"I'm fine."

"Release us, Erik!" the Persian said, throwing the last nonexistant rock he had at the mirror he assumed was closest to Erik.

"Do shut up, daroga, or else we will all blow to bits and pieces."

"Bite sized, of course," Nikira added matter-of-factly, grinning and giving a thumbs-up. "M-m-m-m-m. Good."

"...ew!" Seth mumbled to himself.

Erik slowly drew out his next words. "Madamoiselle has not touched the grasshopper..."

He paused. "Madamoiselle has not touched the scorpion..."

The Persian looked like he was going to die of anticipation. Raoul looked like he wanted to kill the nearest person to him.

At the sound of that, Sammeh slowly edged away from Raoul, hiding behind a book.

Erik then did his speech about which one was really the best one to turn, but that which figure to turn was entirely Christine's descision and there was NO PRESSURE WHATSOEVER as to which one she wanted to turn. NONE, REALLY WHAT.

There was a silence, during which the only sounds were Raoul biting his nails, Amanda munching on the last protein bar, and the faint sound of Mike's music.

"If in two minutes, madamoiselle, you have not turned the scorpion, I shall turn the grasshopper...and the grasshopper, I tell you, hops jolly high!"

Everyone from modern-day found this incredibly hilarious, and they laughed until Erik shouted, "SILENCE!" and they all STFU'd.

So there was this silence again, which was really awkward. Everyone was squirming, wanting Christine to open her mouth and just SAY something. I mean, she'd been though all this shit and the only thing she could do was just sit there, holding people's lives in her hands, and just stare at the boxes. My God. Stupid much.

Finally, Erik said the words that just totally freaked Raoul and the Persian out.

"The two minutes have passed! Goodbye, madamoiselle...hop, grasshopper!"

By now everyone was spazzing, but then Christine silenced us.

"Erik! Do you swear to me, monster, do you swear to me that this is the one to turn?"

"Yes, to hop at our wedding."

"Ah, you see! You said 'to hop'!"

Amanda snickered. "Grape! Have a gold star, Christine!"

"Very nice! High-five!" Seth and Mike said in a Borat voice, high-fiving each other.

Erik, ignoring the peanut gallery in the west side of the torture chamber (-gang sign here-), replied quickly, "At our wedding, ingenous child! The scorpion opens the ball! but that will do...you won't have the scorpion? Then I turn the grasshopper!"

"Erik!"

"Enough!"

Raoul was praying, while Christine and the Persian were screaming like there was no tomorrow.

Suddenly.

Helena gasped.

Sammeh gasped.

Sarah gasped.

Nikira gasped.

Kaitlyn gasped.

Mike gasped.

Kristen gasped.

Seth gasped.

Amanda gasped.

"Erik! I have turned the-"

_Poof._

The four kids were now in front of their school, safe and sound, in their original clothing. After a stunned pause, they all screamed...

"WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!"

----------------------

Everyone went on about their daily lives after that. The kids didn't really mention anything about what had happened, lest everyone think they were off their rockers too. Caroline didn't really say anything either, though she did think about it time to time and laughed.

Christine turned the scorpion, blah blah blah, you know the story.

The reviewers went back to their original homes too, and continued to drop lines to Amanda. Sometimes they'd ask how the other kids were doing, but that was the extent of it.

However.

Sometimes, Amanda or Kristen or Mike or Seth would think, find another one of the kids, and just say...

"Ni!"

**End.**


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